The love boat
by yesimadramaqueen
Summary: TOTALLY REVAMPED! REWRITE IN PROGRESS. Everyone has someone and she has no one...or does she? Some things can't be quantified. Eventual Maliver. COMPLETE!
1. Part one Chapter 1

**Part one  
**_Summary:__ Mal and River can't figure out how they feel about each other. Some questions are raised that can't be answered easily._**  
**_Timeline:__ AU, BDM and "Those left behind" never occurred. Picks up sometime after "Objects in space."_

_(This fic starts out light, but with time it might become a bit more serious.)  
_********

_Chapter 1- Is there?  
Summary:__ A River "moment" brings about something interesting between the captain and his young reader. _

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The cargo bay was full of cargo. Cargo that was easy to hide behind if you wanted to be away from prying eyes. That's exactly where they were. His hands were on her hips and her hands were pressed against his neat vest, pressing him flush up against their hiding place.

"Are you…I mean…do you-"

She pressed a finger lightly to his mouth. "Stop bein' such a proper fella and have a lil' bit of fun!"

He smiled shyly and then kissed her again, completely unaware that his little sister was watching them.

She wasn't _spying_. She never spied. Just observed. This time it was an accident. She was just wandering around like she normally did and stumbled upon Simon and Kaylee. Everyone stumbled onto them since they got together. It made everyone just a mite uncomfortable.

"Ya done good today Vera," Jayne muttered to his gun on his way towards his bunk. He ran into River.

She smirked at him. He grumbled something along the lines of, "Ruttin' meddlin' moonbrain" and stalked off in the other direction. She shook her head and continued her trip around the ship.

She didn't know where she was going. She paused in the corridor to considered her options. The bridge to see the blonde pilot. No, he was busy fixing something. Her mind searched the ship quickly. Cargo bay, Simon and Kaylee. Jayne, helping the blonde. Zoe, in her bunk cleaning her gun. Shepherd, praying in his room. Inara, praying in her shuttle.

"They pray too much," River frowned.

"Who does what too much?" Mal asked from behind her. She spun around. He smiled at her warmly.

"Nothing Captain."

"What are you doin' wanderin' 'round here anyhow?"

"Not sure."

"Where are you off to?"

"Not sure."

"I'm goin' to the kitchen to get somethin' to eat. We'll be planet-side soon 'nough. Maybehaps that brother of yours will let you out for once."

He started to walk towards the kitchen. She stood her ground. He stopped and turned back towards her.

"I hear there's apples…"

She smiled. That was as close to an invitation as he'd get. He continued towards the kitchen and she followed.

She sat down at the table and grabbed one of the delicious apples they picked up planet-side. He got one and then scrounged around for something else. He paused, trying to remember where he saw it last.

"Have you seen Kaylee's engine wine?" he asked River hopefully.

She shook her head no.

"I'm cravin' it. I'm gonna go ask her."

He left for the engine room. She opened her mouth to tell him that she wasn't there, but he was already gone.

She sat alone, contemplating the 'verse in general. The data ran through her mind quickly with the numbers and variables. That was the problem. Too many variables. Nothing could be for certain. She was jolted from her equations when Jayne and Wash bounded into the room.

"Ain't ever had a slab of metal fight back 'fore," Jayne grunted.

"Yeah, but we fixed the hole in the wall! You should be proud of our accomplishment!" Wash exclaimed as he put a hand on the larger man's shoulder.

"Proud?" Jayne scoffed. "We lost us a possible smugglin' nook! The way I see it, less room to smuggle means less cargo to smuggle…" he counted on his fingers. "Yeah and that's less profits! How's it good to lose that ruttin' hole if we lose possible money?"

"Wow. Thanks for the amazing insight. You are so very wise. You're giving Buddha a run for his money!"

"Ha-ha."

Wash noticed River. He raised a hand. "Hi River how-"

She screamed and stood up, knocking the chair over in the process.

"What did I say?" Wash asked no one in particular.

"Two by two…hands of blue…" she whispered while eyeing the new blue work gloves Jayne and Wash were wearing. She repeated the phrase again and again each time becoming louder and more hysterical.

"Ice cold…blowing wind chaffing…no one hears the screams over the howling…crystals on the ground…melting…dying…don't let it die…" River choked fearfully.

"I'm gonna go find Simon…" Wash announced as he took off for the infirmary.

Jayne grinned and approached the little thorn in his side. He held up his hands. "Do these gloves scare ya, little girly? Big bad man in blue gloves?"

"Jayne," Mal's voice thundered from the doorway.

"Mal I was just-"

"Leaving."

"Gorram it," he hissed as he walked off. He could never win with Mal when he was in his "_I'm the captain and I'll kill you for lookin' at me wrong" _mood.

Mal cautiously approached River. She was huddled beside the couch muttering to herself. Simon was nowhere to be found and so was Kaylee. He didn't have to have half a brain to figure out that they were together.

"River…" he said calmly. She didn't look at him. Her eyes stayed fixed on something only she could see on the floor. She clutched her knees to her chest.

"Scar on my brain, never forget. Never heal. Bamboo beneath fingernails…"

He crouched in front of her so he'd be in her line of sight. He didn't know what he'd do if Simon didn't turn up soon.

Wash entered panting. "I can't find Simon."

Mal looked back at him and took a breath before returning his gaze to hers. "I guess that means you're gonna have to settle for me, little one."

She looked into his eyes with fear and tears behind her own.

"What's goin' on?" Zoe asked, standing beside her husband.

"Well…River…" Wash explained.

"Alone in a crowed room. People everywhere. No one hears. Invisible like smoke lost in the wind…gone…" she whispered.

"What set her off this time?" Zoe inquired.

"I did actually. Sorry about that," Wash called to River.

"Wash, not now," Mal snapped.

"What's going on?" Inara asked as she floated into the room like an angel.

Mal and River's gazes didn't waver. They were still locked on each other.

"River," Zoe explained.

"Screams everywhere…so much blood…" River murmured, only speaking to Mal.

"Simon?" Inara asked. Wash shrugged. "Kaylee?"

"Ain't around either," Mal said softly.

"I'm gonna go look for Simon…" Zoe decided as she left the room.

"Bird without wings…helpless…going nowhere…trapped…"

"Maybe I could-" Inara started. Mal shook his head. River's gaze deepened.

"Water down a stream. Nothing stops it. Keeps going and going and going…from everywhere…flowing and flowing…washing away everything…life draining with every drop…"

"Okay, just calm down. It's okay," he attempted as he lightly took her fragile little shoulders in his hands.

"Two by two, hands of blue…broke the dam, released the water…" she said frantically.

"They're gone now, sweetheart. Okay?" Mal asked. Everyone was confounded by the tenderness of his words, but nowhere near as confounded as he was.

River quieted down and took a steadying breath. She nodded, letting his words wash over her.

The rest of the room was watching in silence and awe. Simon darted in with Kaylee looking rather ruffled and Zoe following closely behind.

"River?" Simon wheezed as he sank beside Mal.

"I'm alright," she whispered while her eyes fell on Mal. He nodded to her and stood up, slowly letting his hands slip away from her.

Simon looked up at Mal with his mouth hanging open. Mal turned to Kaylee as if nothing had happened.

"Where's your engine wine?" he asked.

"In my bunk."

"Do you want me to get it or do you want to?"

"You can get it, Cap'in."

"Shiny."

Mal simply walked out of the room. Inara decided to follow him while Simon helped River get on her feet.

"Mal," Inara called.

"What?" he asked while he opened the hatch to Kaylee's bunk.

"Why were you so good to River? Usually you can't stand her…moments…"

"Simon wasn't around."

"That's all?"

"Why? Do think there's more to it?"

"Is there?"

He chuckled dryly. "What would there be?"

"I don't know. It's just…never mind."

He shrugged it off and descended into Kaylee's bunk to retrieve the engine wine leaving Inara to contemplate. Just when she thought she had him figured out…


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2- Teddy bear  
Summary:__ An ongoing joke stirs things up between Mal and River._

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"River, what happened?" Simon asked after he got her settled in her room.

"You weren't there."

He felt a pang of guilt rush through him. She needed him and he was off with Kaylee engaged in certain…activities… "I'm sorry mei mei."

She patted him on the back of the hand. "It's okay. I'm alright."

"I know. How…?"

"Mal…bad in the Latin…"

Simon looked at her curiously. "The captain?"

"Yes. I'm tired." She grabbed a blanket and laid down signaling the end of their conversation.

He sighed and decided to let her get some rest.

********

Mal climbed back out of Kaylee's bunk and returned to the kitchen to get a snack.

"How the hell did you pull that off?" Wash asked.

"Pull what off?" Mal asked.

"You calmed her down! That's like taming a vicious three headed lion after it's been given caffeine!" Wash cried.

"So my sister is a vicious three headed lion?" Simon asked as he also entered the room.

"A cute…three headed lion," Wash said quietly.

Zoe put her arm around Wash. "It's okay dear. You didn't know that the three headed lion's protective older brother was in earshot. An amateur mistake," she sighed.

"I'd like to know how you did that, Captain…" Simon said sternly.

"Did what?"

"Didn't we just go over this…?" Wash asked. Zoe snickered.

"I ain't a fan of twenty questions okay? I am very much likin' the idea of me in my bunk right 'bout now," Mal snapped.

"I don't know how, but whatever you said got to her. She trusts you," Simon explained.

"I'll be in my bunk," Mal mumbled as he walked away.

"She trusts…Mal," Wash said slowly, as if he had to digest this piece of information.

"Better than trusting Jayne," Zoe pointed out.

"Why is it so hard to believe?" Kaylee asked.

"He's not exactly the warm and fuzzy type," Simon commented.

"Are we talking about the same person? This is Mal. He's a…teddy bear," Wash said sarcastically. Everyone laughed.

Jayne entered. "What's so gorram funny?" he asked gruffly.

"Mal's a teddy bear," Zoe explained in between laughs.

"Mal…a teddy bear?" Jayne asked. They all started laughing again. Inara reentered.

"What are you all laughing at?"

"Mal's a teddy bear," they all said in unison. She started laughing.

"That's a good one."

********

"How are you?" Shepherd asked when River emerged from her room. He was sitting on the couch with his bible.

"Better."

"That's wonderful."

They heard laughter floating down from the kitchen. River looked up and tilted her head to the side.

"Teddy bear."

"Pardon?"

River looked at him. "They're talking about teddy bears."

"Why would they be talking about teddy bears?"

"The captain."

Shepherd looked at her awaiting further explanation. She skipped off towards the cargo bay to relax on her favorite spot on the catwalk. He watched her go and shook his head. He never could get that girl…

Mal sat down with everyone at the dinner table. He noticed that eight pairs of eyes were on him.

"What?" he asked, shifting his gaze between everyone sitting around him.

"Nothing," everyone agreed.

"Say, could you pass me the bread…teddy bear?" Wash asked as he tapped Mal on the arm. The table erupted into laughter.

"Teddy bear? Did he just call me teddy bear?"

"I did Mal…" Wash nodded.

"What's goin' on?"

"Nothing, Sir…nothing at all," Zoe assured him stoically. It didn't last long. The table started howling with laughter yet again.

"Could someone please explain this to me?" Mal asked.

"You're a teddy bear," Inara informed him.

"What? I ain't a teddy bear!"

"Don't get testy, Sir. Teddy bears are loved by all," Zoe smirked. She looked at Kaylee and Inara for backup.

"Right. They's all sorts of cuddly 'n cute! They're real shiny!" Kaylee smiled.

"And they're huggable," Inara added.

"Exactly how did you reach this conclusion," Mal inquired, slightly amused and slightly annoyed at the same time.

"Ah you know. It's obvious," Wash shrugged. More laughter.

At first the joke wasn't too bad, but as dinner continued he got steadily more annoyed. Every time someone addressed him, they'd add "teddy bear" somewhere into the sentence.

"Knock it off!" he finally growled.

"It's all in good fun!" they all argued.

"But I ain't a teddy bear!"

"We know that, Sir…" Zoe nodded with her best poker face.

"You're just a stuffed animal in general," Wash offered. The laughter continued.

"I'm goin' to bed now…" Mal decided.

They called after him to come back to the table, but he ignored them.

"He didn't like that at all," Inara giggled.

"I feel sorry for 'im. Ya know?" Kaylee asked.

"He did get rather bent out of shape," Shepherd sighed.

"I think it's funny as hell if you ask me," Jayne grinned.

"But we didn't ask you," Wash pointed out. Zoe laughed and Jayne snarled.

"Maybe we should apologize to the cap'in. I don't like it when he's all crabby," Kaylee frowned.

"You're so sweet," Simon smiled. Wash looked between them with a wicked smile.

"Where did you find them?" Wash asked Zoe while pointing at them. They both turned blood red.

"I found them in the cargo bay," Zoe replied.

"But I looked there earlier!" Wash exclaimed.

"They just appeared outta thin air and from behind our cargo…" she grinned.

River laughed at the look on Simon's face. He turned to her with a playful shove. "Brat."

********

The next morning, Mal was greeted with a chorus of teddy bear comments and jokes.

"This is gettin' real old real quick," he snapped as he took his morning coffee elsewhere.

He ran right into River in the corridor. She must have been on her way to the breakfast table. Mal expected Simon to be behind her, but he wasn't. Usually the doc made sure she was at meals.

"He's with Kaylee," River said softly.

"What did I say 'bout playin' around in my head?" Mal asked lightheartedly.

"Sorry. You were loud."

"It's okay, little one."

He moved around her, but her tiny little voice stopped him.

"For the record, I don't think you're a teddy bear, Captain."

"Thanks," he grinned.

"I don't have enough data to come to an accurate conclusion."

"Wh-"

She quickly hugged him. His hand hung awkwardly over her back while the other held the coffee high above her so she wouldn't get burned. Honestly he was caught off guard from the sudden invasion of his personal space, and yet he didn't say anything about getting off or leaving. She pulled back and looked up at him seriously.

"You're semi-cuddly. This topic might require more research. I'll keep you apprised," with that, she walked away.

He didn't want to think on the "more research" part of that comment.

"Semi-cuddly," he said to himself. "Why ain't I completely cuddly?"

He frowned and walked away. The more he thought about it, the angrier he got. He felt like she had called Serenity a _yipian de dongwu fenbian_ instead of calling him "semi-cuddly."

As luck would have it, he ran into her again later that day. He almost didn't ask, but it slipped out.

"_Semi_-cuddly?" he asked her.

River stared at him blankly. "Semi."

She walked away quickly like she wanted away from him as fast as humanly possible. A grimace crept across his face. _The girl don't like me, _he thought. The grimace grew into a scowl and he stalked off to do his daily chores.

********

River sat down in her room after a run in with Mal. She caught wind of one of his thoughts on the way down the corridor. _The girl don't like me_.

She shook her head with a sigh. _Your data couldn't be more inaccurate, Captain. _

_(yipian de dongwu fenbian- piece of animal excrement/feces) _


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3- Illogical  
Summary: __There are a few things that even River can't quantify…_

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River sat in her room mindlessly drawing. Her mind was on one thing: Malcolm Reynolds. It was all sorts of peculiar. She couldn't place her feelings towards him. Everyone else she had a vibe for.

Simon, Kaylee, and Inara, she loved. They were family.

Jayne, a _zang hundan fuyi yige nuhai chenghao_.

The blonde pilot, she liked a lot. He was fun. His wife, she thought that she was nice.

Shepherd, naive, but nice. Him and his broken book…

Mal…she couldn't quantify him. She just knew that it wasn't dislike. Things about their relationship still confused her. She didn't know why she chose _him_ when Jubal Early arrived.

True Jayne had tried to sell her once, so for the trust issue he wasn't the logical choice. However he was stronger and could have easily taken Jubal down.

Zoe she trusted, but her strength and agility was in question. The blonde was too peace loving. Still, she hypothesized that he would have saved her anyway…with help from Zoe.

These were all the _logical_ reasons why Mal was chosen to save her like one of the knights saving the damsel in distress like in those Earth-that-was stories. Yet she knew that they weren't the reason. It was something else. Something deeper. Trust. No, even deeper than that.

When they stood among the stars after she floated down to him, she felt something that still tugged at her every time she was around him. Especially when he was nice. And smiled.

"Mei mei," Simon said as he opened the door, effectively bringing her back to her surroundings.

"Yes?"

"Did I give you your medicine this morning?"

"No."

"Well let's go to the-"

"No."

"You need it."

"No."

"We're going to the infirmary right now. I'm your brother _and_ your doctor."

"_No_."

********

_-Slam-_

"Go easy on the cabinets, son. What did they do to you?" Shepherd smirked. Mal glared at him.

"What seems to be troubling you?" he continued.

"Don't do that whole preacher 'I'm listenin' to your problems' thing," Mal snapped.

"Sorry."

"'Cause if God's really so gorram great, he'd do the listenin' not his minions."

"Minions?" he chuckled. "I never thought of myself as a minion. If you want I'll stop being a shepherd for a few minutes and just a friend."

Mal sighed heavily and looked at Shepherd.

"I'm only _semi_-cuddly."

Shepherd raised his eyebrows. Mal realized how stupid it sounded when he said it out loud. It didn't _feel_ stupid. It felt like a kick to the gut, and he was all too familiar with that sensation.

"Never mind. I got work to do."

"Captain?"

"Never mind, Shepherd."

Mal headed for the cargo bay. He heard shouting and followed it to the couch outside of the infirmary.

"River!" Simon roared.

"NO!"

"You need this-"

"NO GORRAM NEEDLES!"

Mal walked down to the arguing siblings, adopting his most captainy pose and his most captainy voice. "What's goin' on?"

Simon turned towards him with an exasperated huff. "She doesn't want me to give her her medication."

"Stick me with more needles to stop the bleeding? _Illogical_!" she snarled avoiding the captain's cool gaze.

"I don't much like shots either, doc. What's it for anyhow?"

"It blocks D2 receptors in the dopamine pathway to-"

"Captain-dummy talk please."

"It controls her psychosis."

Mal looked at her and shrugged. "She seems sane enough to me."

"Right now. I'm concerned about for the rest of the day."

"What 'rest of the day'? It's just dinner and then bed. No point in givin' it to her now. I'd appreciate it if you kept the shouting to a minimum. This ain't exactly the most soundproof boat in the 'verse."

"Sorry, Captain, but I'm the doctor and River is my patient and sister-"

"And this is _my _boat. That's _my_ infirmary, _my _drugs, and _my_ money that I'm givin' you to patch up my crew. I say she don't need it for what's left of the day. This conversation is over. I got work to do."

"I don't see why she is your concern," Simon said after his receding back.

"I'm just keepin' the peace on this boat. We went over the not-soundproofed thing, right? Why are we still talkin' 'bout this?"

She caught his eye and gave a little nod as a thank you. He nodded back and walked away.

Simon gave up, but vowed to keep a close eye on her. Then Kaylee called to him and he left faster than Jayne when he's on his way to a whorehouse.

River went back into her room to finish her drawing with a light smile playing on her lips. Captain Mal came to the rescue again leaving her with that same tugging pulling her in different directions. Like butterflies…no, _fireflies_, burning up her insides. That's what it was. Fire doing a tango in her chest. Smile activated. No, it danced whenever he was around. _Mal_ activated. It was simply _illogical_. How could someone, especially the captain, trigger that kind of reaction? It couldn't be quantified. Before him, it all could be quantified. But _now_…

They gathered around for dinner. It was free of any "teddy bear" jokes. Instead, they chose Simon and Kaylee as the targets.

"Is it my turn for cleanup?" Mal asked, stopping the teasing for just a moment or two.

"Sure is, Cap'in! You 'n River…" Kaylee nodded.

Mal looked over at River with a grin. The tango in her chest started again as they started to clear the table. Everyone left and it was just the two of them.

She gathered the plates and the mugs into one towering stack. He turned around and saw that she was carrying all of the plates at once. He darted over to her and put his hand over hers while carefully taking half of the stack from her.

"Careful there, little one."

Her heart raced at the tenderness in his voice.

He set the plates in the sink and went back to gather the chopsticks. She turned on the sink. Water sprayed out of the neck of the faucet. He rushed over to her side and turned it off as quickly as he could.

"Are you okay?" he asked nervously. He didn't want her to freak out him, especially since he told Simon to let her go without her meds.

She looked up at him with a cute little smile. "That was cold."

He smiled at her and then handed her the dishtowel. He bent down to inspect the faucet.

"That thing is loose. If I had wrench, I could fix no prob-"

River had snuck around to the other side of the sink and turned the water on just a little bit. She laughed at the look on his face when the water hit him. She turned it off and looked at him innocently.

"What did I ever do to you to deserve water in the face? Really?"

She laughed harder and then offered him the towel as a peace offering. He accepted it and wiped his face off.

"I'm gonna go get a wrench from Kaylee. I'll finish up, you can go."

"Thank you, Captain."

"No problem."

She floated away graceful-like. He shook his head. He didn't know what it was, but every time the girl thanked him or just nodded to him, he got this feeling in his chest like a surge of warmth. It made him feel all manner of warm and fuzzy inside like he had done something good in the 'verse for once.

The tango in her chest didn't stop even after she got into her room. She let her mind wander while she straightened things up. Jayne, working out. Shepherd, praying. Inara, talking to a client. Simon and Kaylee, together, and she felt a familiar sensation. The blonde and Zoe, together, and the same feeling danced through her mind.

She sat down on her bed, experiencing what the two couples felt unintentionally. Strangely enough, it wasn't all that different from the fireflies she felt. She frowned. Surely that couldn't be what they were. It was just…irrational…

_(zang hundan fuyi yige nuhai chenghao- dirty bastard with a girl name)_


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4- Bothered  
Summary:__ River bonds with Wash and Mal doesn't like it _

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"You know," Wash began from his place reclined comfortably in the pilot's seat. "You can come up here _other_ than when everyone's on jobs."

River looked at him with a smile. She returned her eyes to the sky, running her hand along the floor with a sigh.

"I don't mind it. Sometimes it gets lonely up here. Boring too," he continued.

She readjusted on the crates she was using as a temporary bed, ignoring the rambling.

"Is Zoe still okay?" he asked.

"The same as the last seven times you've asked."

"Well I'm sorry! I worry when she's on jobs and when you've got an all access pass to what's goin' on…hey, do you think that you might be able to see what she'd like for our anniversary?"

She smirked at him and then looked back up.

"What are you doin' down there anyhow?"

"Determining the velocity of the wind based on cloud patterns and the rate at which they're passing our ship."

"Ah. I do that…all the time…"

She giggled and gracefully wandered over to the controls with the plastic dinosaur in hand. She held it up.

"Brontosaurus, actual term is _Apatosaurus_. Brontosaurus, obsolete synonym. Lived during the Jurassic period. One of the largest land animals that ever existed with an average length of twenty-three meters or seventy-five feet and a mass of at least twenty-three metric tons. The term 'Apatosaurus' means deceptive lizard."

"I'm impressed," Wash grinned.

She smiled and set it down.

"You know, you're the only person that has never questioned my love of dinosaurs."

"No need."

"Right, reader. Duh."

She laughed. Mal had just walked onto the bridge, observing the latter part their little conversation.

"The job is done," he announced. They both looked up at him.

"How'd it go?" Wash asked.

"Good. We've been invited to a party tonight. I said we'd go."

"Nice. A party. Maybe you can actually leave the ship!" Wash exclaimed. River smiled.

"Simon should let me. Kaylee will make him," she smirked.

"Everyone has always said that men rule the 'verse, but I gotta say that any man with a woman has never ruled anything without checkin' with their ladies first…" Wash sighed.

River laughed again. "Bye blonde. Captain," she acknowledged Mal briefly and then breezily passed by him.

"Blonde?" Mal asked.

"Yeah, she calls me that. I don't mind it."

Zoe walked in behind Mal, giving Wash a quick kiss.

"Mind if I get some alone time with my husband, Sir?" Zoe asked.

He shook his head no and left them alone. He couldn't believe it. The crazy girl liked _Wash_ more than him. She even had a pet name for him when she said that he was only _semi_-cuddly. _Semi_. Not once, but _twice._ The gorram girl didn't like him. He hated to admit it, but it cut deep.

He stormed into the kitchen cursing under his breath. Shepherd looked up at him.

"What seems to be troubling you this time?"

Mal glared at him.

"It helps to talk it out, you know…" he continued.

He grunted and folded his arms. "She don't like me."

"Who doesn't like you?"

"I don't even know why I'm so bothered by it. It ain't like I'm lookin' for her approval or nothin'."

"Everyone wants to be liked, Mal. I'm sure that she likes you just fine."

"I'm not so sure."

"Why don't you talk to her about it or try to get on her good side? Do something nice for her."

Mal outwardly scoffed, but inside the wheels were turning. Maybe he could get back on her good side. He didn't know what he ever did to get on her bad side in the first place, but he'd figure something out.

He walked out of the room slightly confused at why he was taking it so damn personally.

********

It was a typical party. Food, music, dancing. Nothing special. Everyone on Serenity went. Jayne found himself a few whores and a bottle of liquor. Shepherd found himself another preacher to talk to. The rest of the group sat together around a fire.

"See this?" Wash asked as he pointed to his foot. Zoe looked down.

"It's your foot."

"What's it doing?"

"Tapping."

"Do you know what that means?"

She gave him a typical Zoe look.

"It means I have to dance! Come on."

He grabbed her hand and yanked her out towards the mass of dancing folk.

"Kaylee, would you…um…" Simon gestured towards the dancing.

"We're together now, honey. You can stop the awkward thing. Let's go."

He smiled sheepishly at her and they joined everyone else. Mal was left with Inara and River.

"This is quite the extravaganza, isn't it?" Inara inquired.

"Yeah, sure is…" he nodded.

River picked up a stick and started poking the fire. "Flames…" she muttered. "Dancing to the music."

"Are they?" Mal smirked. She smiled at him.

"Yes. In perfect time with the music."

"Really?"

"One…two…three and four and…one…two…three and four and…" River whispered with the tune. "Perfect time," she repeated with her eyes watching the orange and yellow embers sparkle.

Inara sat on the other side of Mal growing steadily more bored by the minute. She only went because she thought Mal would ask her to dance. He still hadn't, but she held out hope.

River looked up towards the musicians. "I know this dance," she commented. "But it requires two."

"Hey, I got nothin' to do. If you wanna put up with me," Mal joked. Maybe this could be his shot to redeem whatever it was he did.

River smiled at him with the fireflies fluttering around in her chest. "Try to keep up, Captain."

Inara watched in amazement as he followed her onto the makeshift dance floor.

"It goes like this. One, two, three. One, two, three. Left, left, together and back. Right, right, together and forward…" River explained over the loud music. He watched her footwork and copied it. He caught on after a few beats.

She was smiling and didn't seem to mind dancing with him. He smiled too, hoping that he had gotten back into her good graces. She looked at him strangely after that thought.

"What do you mean?"

"I thought you didn't like me."

"How do you quantify that?"

"Well…" he shrugged uncomfortably.

"I like you, Captain."

Somehow he felt a lot better.

Zoe and Wash sat with Inara. "Where's Mal?" Wash asked. Inara pointed at the crowd.

"Shenme yuzhou shi woren hou zai?" he muttered in disbelief.

"I know…" Inara agreed.

They watched them dance. Mal tripped. River laughed and shook her head, showing him the steps again.

"They make a cute couple," Wash commented. Inara's mouth dropped. Zoe smacked him.

"Ouch. I'm just saying!" he cried as he rubbed his arm tenderly. "What's wrong with saying they make a cute couple?" Zoe motioned towards Inara. "Right, my bad…"

They continued to spy on them. They were laughing and trying the steps again.

"They are sweet together, aren't they?" Inara asked with a sigh.

"They kinda are," Zoe agreed cautiously.

Mal and River were on their third dance. He couldn't quite figure it out.

"Are you going to dance all night, Captain?" she inquired.

"I figure if I leave some townie is gonna take you for a spin and your brother won't be too happy with me."

"One more dance then."

"One more," he agreed.

The song ended and they walked over to Inara, Wash, and Zoe. Simon and Kaylee were missing in action, like they usually were.

"Foot's tapping," River grinned. Wash looked down at his foot.

"It is."

"It means you have to dance."

"Can I?" Wash asked Zoe.

"Yes dear. Have fun."

"I don't dance as much as sway and move around aimlessly in little circles…" Wash told River as they walked away.

"Did you have a good time, Sir?" Zoe asked.

"It was just dancin'…" he said distractedly. He was watching River and Wash attempt to dance.

"It looks like fun," Inara hinted.

"Yeah it is. I'm gonna go get some wine. Anyone want any?"

They shook their heads no. Inara rolled her eyes as he walked away. Zoe gave her a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. She knew how clueless Mal could be sometimes.

"It isn't as cute as when she was with Mal," Inara commented as she followed them with her eyes.

"That's because she's with my husband."

They laughed.

********

River couldn't figure it out. She liked the blonde, but she didn't get the same feeling she did when she danced with the captain.

Mal watched from afar, guzzling down an entire cup of wine. He didn't understand why it bothered him that she was dancing with Wash. He just knew that it shouldn't, but it did.

_(Shenme yuzhou shi woren hou zai- what universe are we living in?) _

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	5. Part two Chapter 1

**Part two  
**_Summary: __There's always a calm before a storm._

********

_Chapter 1-__ Dancing and drawing  
__Summary:__ The title says it all_

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Everyone had someone. Simon had Kaylee, Kaylee had Simon, Wash had Zoe, Zoe had Wash, Jayne had whores and guns, Shepherd had God, Inara had her clients, Buddha, _and_ Mal, and Mal had Inara. Who did that leave her? She had Simon, but not as much since he was with Kaylee. Who did she have? Who did she _want_ to have?

Suddenly, she replayed dancing with Mal in her head. She found herself replaying the evening whenever she got the chance. It always made her smile. She wasn't sure how she had ended up thinking about the captain. It wasn't a logical transition……in her mind.

"What are you thinkin' on over there?" Wash inquired.

She spun around in the copilot's chair, wiggling her toes on the seat slightly.

"When do I get to pilot?" she deflected while setting her cheek on her knee.

"I'd have to teach you first."

"I know how. I learned from watching. From listening."

"One of these days I'll let you fly."

"Really?"

"I promise."

She smiled and spun around a few times.

Mal walked onto the bridge. "Wash, I need you to pick up the pace. We can't be late for the drop."

"No problem Mal. And when we run out of fuel halfway through space and run out of food after a month, I vote that you should be eaten first."

Mal heard a laugh. He knew that laugh anywhere. She was on the bridge _again_. She was always up there with Wash. He turned to River. She was spinning around in the chair with her legs tucked against her chest and her head resting on her knee.

"Do what you can do," he sighed before addressing her. "Hey there little one."

"Hello Captain."

"What are you up to?"

"Waltzing. Step step step. Step step step. La lala la lala…" she explained in a sing-song voice.

"You don't look like you're waltzin'."

"I am. Up here…" she pointed to her head and continued to quietly sing "la lala."

"I got captainy thing to do. I'll see you both later," Mal nodded to them and left.

"Bye Captain," she called after him with a big smile.

"Do you really know how to waltz?" Wash asked.

"I do," River replied.

"Do you think that you could teach me?"

River stopped and looked at him with a wide smile. "For her anniversary present."

"Do you think she'd like it?"

"Proper dance…she'd be impressed and she'd think it was sweet you learned for her. Better than a box of chocolate covered strawberries."

Wash grinned. "Okay. You'll start teaching me and I'll teach you how to fly. I gotta do it for my own peace of mind."

"Okay."

********

"Zoe, did you know that River's been hangin' out on the bridge?"

"I did, Sir."

"She's there every time I go up there."

"Mhm. Wash says she keeps him company."

"He don't mind it?"

"No. He likes her a lot when she's sane. I'm glad she's been up there. He's botherin' me less."

Mal sighed and left the room. It bugged him that she was always up there. Could it be that he was _jealous_ of Wash's relationship with her? No, no. That couldn't be it. But then what exactly was it?

********

"Heya River! Whatcha doin'?" Kaylee asked as she sat beside River outside of the infirmary.

"Drawing."

"Drawin' what?"

"Portraits of the crew. Here, this is for you."

She pulled a very accurate picture of Kaylee out from her sketch pad. Kaylee took it with a smile.

"This is real shiny! Thank you!"

She hugged River and glanced at the one she was working on.

"Simon? That's real good!"

"He'll be done working in a minute or two," River informed her.

"That's okay. I haven't spent alotta time with you lately anyhow. How are you doin'?"

"I'm alright."

"I haven't seen you 'round the ship much. Have you stayed down here?"

"No. I've been on the bridge with the blonde mostly."

Kaylee laughed. "Wash I take it. What do you do up there?"

"It's a secret for the wife," she explained.

"Ah. Helpin' him out with their up comin' anniversary?"

"Yes. Don't tell."

"I won't."

Shepherd nodded to them as he passed them towards his room.

"What else have you been up to?" Kaylee asked.

Shepherd emerged looking slightly confused.

"Have either of you seen my cross? It was on the wall and now it's gone."

"Nope, sorry Shepherd…" Kaylee shrugged.

"I needed a blending stick for my drawing. My other one broke. I used your cross to make it," River held up her new blending stick and then pulled a page out of her sketch pad. "But I drew a picture of you."

Shepherd looked like he was either going to scream or cry.

"River, you don't do that. That was his and you had no right to just use it like that!" Kaylee gaped.

"Sorry. I needed wood."

She offered the picture as a peace offering. He took it without a word and went up the steps. She turned to Kaylee with a blank look on her face.

"He thinks I'm hell bound."

********

"What are you laughin' at?" Mal asked as he entered the kitchen.

"Moonbrain," Jayne snickered.

"River?"

"Yeah. She needed, er…what's it called?" Jayne asked.

"A blendin' stick to blend when she's drawin'," Zoe replied.

"Right. So she needed a blendin' stick, so she went into Shepherd's room and took the-"

They both started laughing again. Mal looked between them. "Took what?"

"She took the cross off of his wall," Zoe laughed.

"And she cut it down into a little stick for her drawin's!"

They laughed again.

"River took his cross so she could get a stick?" Mal asked.

"Yeah!" they both howled.

"You shoulda seen the look on his face when he walked in!" Jayne exclaimed.

"It was hilarious!" Zoe agreed.

Mal smiled. "Sorry I missed it."

"He is so mad at her!" Zoe added.

"And she don't even care!" Jayne chuckled.

"She apologized, but only 'cause Simon and Kaylee _made_ her. Now they're both mad."

Zoe and Jayne started laughing again. Mal shook his head and left them alone.

********

They landed a few days later. Mal, Zoe, and Jayne went out on their job while Simon and Kaylee went into town to get the things they needed for the ship.

"Is this a good pose?" Wash asked. River paused and looked over the edge of her sketch pad. Wash was leaning back in the pilot's chair with a goofy grin.

"I draw from here," she tapped her pencil to her forehead, "not there…" then pointed to him with a very River-ish _"You're an idiot" _glare.

"Well sorry! I didn't know that!"

She had already finished Kaylee, Shepherd, Simon, Inara, Jayne, and Zoe's portraits. She was working on Wash's.

"When's our next lesson planned for?" he inquired while mindlessly fidgeting with his stegosaurus.

"Tonight."

"Will I be in toe tappin' shape by my anniversary?"

"Yes. You've got it down basically."

"You're doing pretty good yourself there fly girl."

She smirked and continued drawing.

"Now when it comes to waltzing and the box step, when you turn left-"

She waited for him to continue, but he didn't. She looked over the edge of her sketch pad. His lips were moving, but she couldn't hear what he was saying.

**"River Tam…"** a voice whispered. It was familiar, the bad kind of familiar.

**"River Tam…"** another voice echoed.

Her eyes searched the room for the source of the whispers. It wasn't any of the crew. The whispers got louder. They only repeated her name over and over again. She finally looked down at her sketch pad. Her drawing of Wash disappeared. The image had changed.

There was a big tree with red leaves. It was alone, secluded in the middle of a green field and rolling green hills. A swing hung from one of the stronger branches. A girl in a bright white dress sat on it moving her legs. It was the like the whispers were coming from the leaves.

**"River Tam…"** the voices repeated. The girl turned around. She recognized herself, only she was years younger. Two black figures entered the picture.

She saw their blue gloves. A long silver stick slid out of the one on the left's sleeve as they called her name one last time. Both Rivers screamed.

"River?" Wash asked worriedly. She leapt out of the copilot's chair with the whispers repeating over and over again in her head.

**"River…come home…"** they said.

She shook her head frantically and darted off of the bridge with Wash following closely behind.


	6. Two Chapter 2

_Chapter 2-__ Come home  
__Summary:__ No one seems to be able to reach her…until he comes home_

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River stopped in between Kaylee and Mal's bunks and slid down the bulkhead. She curled up into a little ball and covered her ears with tears in her eyes. Wash cautiously crouched beside her.

"River? Can you hear me?"

She heard his voice from a distance, but the whispers blocked most of it out.

**"River…come home…RIVER…COME HOME…"** they were shouting now, loud and angry in her ears like explosions. One after another by her ears…bang…bang…bang…

"NO!" River shouted. "I'M NOT GOING!"

"You don't have to go anywhere," Wash said gently. He looked around. No Simon, no Kaylee, no anyone. He was practically alone.

"STOP SHOUTING! STOP! PLEASE!" she sobbed.

Inara came down the corridor quickly, observing the scene before her.

"I heard River. What's going on?" she asked Wash.

"I don't know. One second she's drawing and the next she's screaming her head off. I don't know what to-"

"NO!" her voice made them both jump.

"See if you can reach Simon. I'll try to calm her down," Inara offered.

Wash nodded and ran to the bridge. Inara leaned down.

"River, mei mei, it's alright."

She went to embrace her, but she pulled away. The shouting blocked out who it was.

**"COME HOME."**

"NO!" River sobbed.

"Shh, it's alright."

Wash kept trying to reach Simon, but he must have turned his radio off.

"Tamade yiqie gei diyu!" he cursed. He got up and went out to River and Inara. She wasn't able to calm her down.

"Simon?" Inara asked hopefully.

"Nothing."

"Try anyone. Nothing seems to be working."

"If we can't calm her down?"

"I know where Simon keeps the soothers."

Wash nodded sadly and returned to the bridge. After another ten minutes, Wash still couldn't raise anybody and Inara couldn't get River to relax at all.

"Well?" Inara asked.

"The same, nothing. I don't know why Mal and Zoe aren't-"

"We ain't what?" Zoe called from the kitchen.

"Biyou fo," Inara sighed.

"What's goin' on?" Zoe asked.

**"COME HOME."**

"NO! No…" River screamed.

"How long has this been goin' on?" Zoe asked as she stepped into the corridor.

"At least twenty minutes," Wash replied.

"You can't calm her down?" Wash and Inara shook their heads no.

Mal walked in. "What's the fuss about?"

"River," Wash explained.

Mal walked over to her and sank beside Inara. River was still curled up and clutching her ears.

"Simon?" he asked.

"Can't reach him," Wash responded. "We might have to get those soothers."

Inara nodded and got ready to get them, but Mal stopped her in her tracks.

"Hey there little one. What seems to be the trouble?" he asked gently.

She heard him through the shouting. She felt him there. **"COME HOME."**

"No! I'm not going!" she bellowed.

"That's all she's said," Wash commented.

"You don't have to go anywhere, sweetheart. Okay?" Mal said softly. He carefully took her wrists in his hands to ease her hands away from her ears. "It's okay."

The shouting subsided as he brought her arms down. He looked at her hands carefully. There was blood on them. He gave her a quick once over before discovering the blood on her ears. She must have been clinging to them a little too tightly.

"You need someone to examine those ears of yours. Let's go to the infirmary-"

"No! No needles…" she shook her head with tears in her eyes.

"Okay, okay. No infirmary. We'll just stay right here," Mal amended carefully. He looked over at Wash. "Try Simon again."

Wash left for the bridge. He looked over at Zoe and Inara.

"Can someone please get me a cloth or something to stop the gorram bleeding?"

Zoe left while Inara got back down beside them.

"Shi ni haoba?" she inquired.

River shook her head no. "I'm not going."

"Going where, mei mei?" she asked gently. She shook her head again with new tears forming in her eyes. Mal put a hand on her shoulder.

"You don't gotta talk 'bout it right now."

Zoe returned with some small bandages and a rag. He quickly wiped the blood off of her hands and inspected her ears. Her nails dug in pretty deeply. He very tenderly wiped the blood off and bandaged the cuts. He could tell that it hurt and he hated that he had to do it, but the doc wasn't around. There was no telling when he would be. Half of the things they needed were two towns away. They had to take the mule to get there.

"Let's get you to your room. I'm orderin' you to get some rest," he told her with a small smile.

She nodded tiredly. Her "moments" always drained her completely.

He took her fragile hands in his own. He helped her get back on her feet. She swayed a bit. The world around her seemed to spin. He steadied her by putting his arm across her shoulders and helped her down the corridor and down the steps. She tensed up when they passed the infirmary and then relaxed when she was safely in her room.

He got her situated on her bed and went to leave.

"Thank you," she muttered before she drifted off into a light sleep.

He got that warm feeling inside and silently left her room. He returned to the kitchen where Inara, Wash, and Zoe had gathered.

"How is she?" Zoe asked.

"Sleeping. What happened?"

"We were just sitting there one minute and then she started screaming. She ran out and kept saying the same things over and over again," Wash shrugged.

"'No' and 'I'm not going'," Inara nodded.

"Do we know what it's about?" Zoe asked.

"Beats me," Wash sighed.

"Maybe you said or did somethin' that upset her," Mal suggested.

"I don't think so. She was drawing a picture of me and I was asking her a question."

"About?"

"Dancing."

"Dancin'?" Zoe smirked.

"She's a dancer. I was just curious," he covered.

"Maybe it brought up memories," Inara offered.

"Maybe, but it wouldn't of made her dig into her own ears like that. Where the hell is Simon and Kaylee?" Mal asked angrily.

"I'll go try them again," Wash muttered. Zoe followed him onto the bridge.

Mal and Inara stayed there in an uncomfortable silence.

"I tried to calm her down for at least fifteen minutes. It took you maybe two or three…" Inara noted.

He looked at her blankly. "I'm gonna go see how they're comin' with findin' Simon."

She watched as he walked towards the bridge.

He didn't realize how quickly he had been able to pacify her until Inara pointed it out. Not that it mattered. Simon wasn't there, nothing was working, she's his crew, so he stepped in to help. Besides, he was never one for watching people he cared about suffer. So he cared about her. So it tore him up to see her like that. And so it felt all sorts of right to hold onto her like that. She was his _crew_. His crew was family. That's all it was…

They finally reached Simon. He rushed into River's room the second he got back.

"Mei mei," he said guiltily as he sat on the edge of her bed. He wasn't there for her _again._

"I'm better now," she said sleepily. He examined her ears.

"How did this happen?"

"Shouting…so loud…" she explained.

"You did this?"

"Had to block them out."

"Do you need anything for the pain?"

"No. I need sleep."

"What happened?"

"It's irrelevant. My psychosis varies. Something must have triggered it."

"Just get some rest. I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"You had to get things for the ship. It's alright."

He hugged her as if she could break if he squeezed too hard. She hugged back, clinging to the comfort her brother could always provide.

Simon let her get back to sleeping. He joined everyone outside of the infirmary.

"She seems alright now. Whatever you all did, it worked…" Simon announced.

"More like what he did," Wash pointed to Mal.

"Thank you, Captain. She wouldn't say what triggered it, but I'm not sure if she even knows herself. Not that it matters. What you did has her back to some sort of stability."

"Well, let's get off of this rock. I don't have a need to hang around longer than we have to," Mal said.

Everyone disbursed to their different corners of the ship. Simon caught up with Mal.

"I can't thank you enough for what you did."

"She's crew," Mal shrugged it off.

Simon nodded with a typical Simon half-smile before going back towards the infirmary.

"She's crew," he repeated under his breath almost as if he had to convince himself that was the reason why. Maybe it was. It was the 'maybe it wasn't' part that tripped him up.

_(Tamade yiqie gei diyu-Damnit all to hell_

_Biyou fo-Bless Buddha _

_Shi ni haoba- Are you alright?)_


	7. Two Chapter 3

_Chapter 3-__ Feeling  
__Summary:__ It's all new to her, and she's trying to figure out what it is_

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River seemed fine by that night. Her lesson with Wash went on as planned. It was almost like her moment didn't happen.

"I have something for you," she told Wash at dinner. She pulled the finished portrait out from her sketch pad—it had stopped talking to her—and handed it to him.

"This is really good! Check me out!" he held it up so everyone could see.

"Mine's better," Jayne said simply.

"How is it better?" Wash frowned.

"'Cause I'm prettier than you."

Everyone laughed.

"Thanks River. This is goin' on the bridge so everyone can admire the pretty pilot."

She smiled at him and then caught Shepherd's eye. They glared at each other for a moment. He was still sore about the cross thing. Her smile widened. He laughed.

"You're lucky you're charming. Hopefully it will be your saving grace," Shepherd sighed.

There were a few laughs around the table.

They finished up and River excused herself to go to bed.

Mal was a little confused. Everyone else had gotten their picture already. All he could think was his original, _she don't like me_, thought, but she said she did. She could have always lied. She didn't seem like the lying type. _Maybehaps she hasn't drawn me yet._

********

River looked at the picture she had on the nightstand by her bed. She sighed heavily. It seemed illogical, but she wanted to keep it. She knew that he'd be curious as to why he hadn't gotten his yet. It was the feeling she got when she looked at it that made her want to hold onto it forever. The feeling she got when he was there, so comforting and kind, with his arm around her…she wouldn't linger on that thought. It was insane. It wasn't clear. Nothing was clear. Pollution in the water. She needed help. She needed to know what there was. Feeling for herself was entirely new. If she was feeling what she thought she was. No, that couldn't happen. It couldn't.

She turned the light off and looked over at the silhouette of the paper.

"Goodnight Captain."

_-Squeak…Squeak…Squeak-_

_The girl swung back and forth on the rickety old swing. The toecap of her glossy little black shoe was in the brown and green earth propelling the motion. Forward…back…forward…back. Rhythmic. One…two…three…four…one…two…_

_The leaves rustled in the gentle breeze. It sounded like hushed whispers in a crowded room, but she was all alone. The only things that surrounded her were the rolling green hills and the large autumn tree. _

_-Crunch-_

_She knew she was no longer alone. She could feel them. The dread. The death. The blood. The screams. They all belonged to __them__. _

_"River Tam."_

_She turned and saw them there. Two by two. Hands of blue. _

_"River Tam…come home…"_

She sat up with a jolt. Panic surged through her until she happened upon the picture on her nightstand. After a few steadying breaths, she was back in control.

"Just a nightmare. Not relevant," she told herself quietly. She looked down at the drawing of her captain. "It's okay," she repeated his words over and over again until she fell back asleep clutching the picture to her chest.

********

"You're ready," she told him matter-of-factly.

"I am? Are you sure?" Wash asked nervously.

"Yes. You have the steps, formation, rhythm. She'll be impressed."

He smiled. "I got it all planned. We'll be planet-side for our anniversary anyhow, so I'm taking her out. She'll have no clue we'll be dancing."

"The woman follows the lead. It'll be fine. She's always in dance ready shoes as well," she sensed his question and answered it before he could ask it.

"Thanks for teachin' me and all."

She smiled and curled up in the copilot's chair.

"I have a question," she said softly.

"Shoot."

"How do you know if you have romantic inclinations towards another?"

Wash grinned. He was amused by the way she asked the question. "Well, you think about them all the time. And they make you feel all warm and tingly when you're with them. Oh and if you want to kiss them. That type of thing. Does this have anything to do with a certain firefly captain in a brown coat and suspenders?"

She turned pink and shook her head no.

"Please tell me that it isn't Jayne."

"No. It was merely an inquiry."

"Whatever you say fly girl…"

She giggled. He could tell by the way she reacted to him that Mal was the reason for the "inquiry."

********

They landed a few days later. River didn't have any other episodes. Simon figured that it was as she said, something triggered it. Ever since he found the right medications, she was a lot better. That's why he felt comfortable enough to finally get with Kaylee.

"We're goin' out," Zoe announced.

"Right, it's your anniversary of disobeyin' my orders!" Mal grinned.

"And I don't regret it, Sir."

He smirked. "Never said you did."

Wash arrived looking rather dressed up for Wash. He looked at River with a smile and a thumbs up. She giggled.

"Go on down. I'll be right behind you," Wash told Zoe. She looked suspicious, but didn't push it.

"You'll be fine," River promised.

"Thank again. Don't get into trouble while I'm gone," he gave her a quick hug and followed his wife.

After they were gone, River turned to Mal. "I taught him how to waltz."

"So that's why you were always up there."

"For their anniversary."

"That was nice of you."

"Blonde is nice. Zoe is too."

He smiled at her. She felt tingly inside. Jayne walked in.

"Hey Mal. Wanna hit the bars?"

"I don't know…"

"Come on! Shepherd's busy tonight!"

"So I'm a last resort?"

"You know I'm yours too."

He sighed. "The doc and Kaylee are out. So's Shepherd…"

"'Nara's here."

"Are you good with bein' left with Inara?" Mal asked River. She nodded. "Fine. Make sure I don't get married this time." Jayne snickered.

They got up and left. River sought Inara out for some girl time.

"River," she said warmly when she saw her hovering by the entrance. "Come in."

"We're the only ones on the ship."

"What about Mal and Jayne?"

"The bars."

Inara rolled her eyes. "Men and drinking."

River sat down on the bed. Inara read her body language.

"What's bothering you?" she asked as she joined her on the bed.

"New. Pollutants in the water. Hard to sort. What's mine. What isn't. But what's mine is more confusing than what isn't and I can't…calculate…what it is."

Inara was quiet for a little while as she processed what she said.

"You're having trouble figuring out what you're thinking?"

"Feeling."

"Ah. What is it that you think you're feeling?"

"Romantic inclinations."

Inara laughed. "Romance usually is confusing. Maybe I can help."

"I don't know if it is."

"I can't describe what it feels like. You just know."

"But it, it isn't right."

"Isn't right?"

"No. Can't be with him."

"Who is it?"

She shook her head. "Would rather not say."

"Please say it isn't Jayne."

"It isn't."

"That's a relief. I suppose that the best advice I can give is that if it is meant to work out, it will find a way to."

"What does it feel like when you feel this way for someone?"

"Exhilarating, terrifying, incredible, and awful all at once."

"Awful and terrifying?"

"You have no control. You have to put yourself out there and let them in. Maybe that's why I'm still single."

"Unless you have a client."

Inara laughed. "True."

"I can't. We can't. How can you make the feelings go away?"

"You can't make them go away. Trust me, I've tried."

"But if it can't be, why do the feelings stay? It doesn't make sense."

"It's romance, mei mei. It isn't supposed to make sense."

"But if it isn't returned…can't be…"

"You keep saying that. How do you know? Have you spoken to him about it?"

"No. I couldn't do that. He doesn't feel the same. I know. Reader. His affection isn't mine. It belongs to another."

"He's in a relationship then?"

"We just can't."

"Don't worry too much about it. There will always be others. You're young. You have plenty of time to find the one for you."

River nodded. She gave Inara hug before leaving to go to sleep. She always could put things in perspective, even if she was the object of his love. She deserved it though. They were closer in age and she was so many things that she'd never be. Sane. Whole. Undamaged. Perfect. He wouldn't want a broken crazy person half his age. Never.

She looked at his picture sadly. Sometimes she wished that she didn't feel.

_-Squeak-_

_The swing was cold, shielded from the warmth of the sun. The ropes were coarse, biting into her soft palms and she rocked. _

_-Crunch-_

_"River Tam."_

_She looked back at them with fear filled eyes._

_"River Tam…come home…you'll never have to feel again."_


	8. Two Chapter 4

_Chapter 4-__ You shouldn't have ran  
__Summary:__ River's visions finally make sense_

**XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX**

"Mal," Inara said very softly the next morning. So far, they were the only two people up.

"I don't got a hangover. Jayne got us tossed out early. We spent the rest of the night runnin' from an angry boyfriend and his crew. What's this about?"

"I'm worried about River."

"River? Why?" he hid his concern relatively well.

"Well, we had a long talk last night. I think that she might have a crush on one of the crew."

"Please say it ain't Jayne."

"It isn't. I think it's Wash."

"Wash?" _Why do I feel jealous? _"Why Wash?"

"She kept saying that she couldn't be with whoever it is that she likes. I got the impression that he was taken. Since the only people on this ship that are in a relationship are Simon and Wash. It has to be Wash. She has been spending an awful lot of her time on the bridge with him."

Mal folded his arms. "Why is this my problem? You should be talkin' to her brother not me. I don't give a good gorram who she likes and who she doesn't." _Then why does it feel like I do?_

"I'm concerned that she'll get hurt. I'm afraid that Simon will only make it worse. Is there some way that you could do something to help the situation?"

"It ain't my place."

"This is your crew! What about the no shipboard romance rule?"

"My mechanic and the doc shot that to hell."

"But-"

"She explained the time on the bridge. She was teachin' him the waltz for his anniversary. I doubt she'd like him. She's just a girl-"

"She's turning eighteen soon. Simon hasn't let her out much since she's been here. She really doesn't have a large dating pool."

"See this face? It means _this is not my problem_."

"I don't understand you! One second you're…never mind."

"I'm what?"

"You're caring and…human. Then you act as if she doesn't matter at all! You do the same thing with me!"

"What do you mean?"

"Never mind. I have clients to screen."

She left the room gracefully. He sighed with a small frown. She stormed out on him and she suspected River had a thing for Wash. Inara was schooled in picking up on those type things. River had been spending a lot of time with him. She was always smiling when she was around. _She likes Wash. Gorramit. Why do I feel rejected?_

********

"Mei mei?" Simon asked as he entered her room. She quickly hid the picture she drew under her pillow.

"Hello Simon."

"You weren't at breakfast."

"Didn't sleep well."

"It's time for your medication."

She nodded.

"Are you alright?"

"Dreams."

He gave her her medication and took her hand.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine," she assured him.

"I'm your brother. It's my job to worry."

She smiled. He hugged her and let her be alone for a little while. She curled up on the pillow, waiting for the aftermath of the nightmares to pass.

********

"Gorramit!" Jayne hissed as the ball bounced off of the circular metal goal hanging from the ceiling.

Zoe caught it and threw it to Mal. He made the shot. Everyone cheered.

River walked across the catwalk to Simon. He was watching the game.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Better."

"Hey River," Kaylee grinned. She waved. "Do you wanna sub in for me?"

"I'm not sure," River replied.

"Ah come on!" Wash insisted. "You can play for our team."

She gave him a tiny smile. "Alright."

Kaylee went up the steps. River was on her way down, but she stopped when the ball was hurled at her. She caught it with ease. Wash darted over to the steps and picked her up at the waist. She started laughing as he carried her over to the goal. She put it through.

"Nice shot fly girl."

Wash sat her down carefully. "Thanks for the ride, blonde."

Mal scowled at them. Everyone was too focused on the game to notice. He didn't much like the way there were acting towards each other. He was letting her ride on his back to reach the goal and they were laughing.

_She shouldn't be on him like that,_ he thought bitterly. _'Nara was right. She likes him. _

River laughed as Wash passed her to Jayne. Jayne put her down quickly like she was infected with some deadly disease. She glared at him and got back to the game.

Zoe was going to take a shot. Wash ran over and took her in his arms so she'd miss. She did, but she didn't mind it. He started dancing while Shepherd retrieved the ball.

"Stop distractin' my team," Mal snapped.

"Ah, we're just having fun Mal!" Wash laughed.

River took the opportunity to grab the ball from Shepherd while he watched the dancing. She threw it to Jayne. He made a goal and cheered.

"Nice work, moonbrain."

"Thanks, girl's name."

"I told you enough with that!"

She stuck her tongue out and made another shot. Mal blocked it and tossed it through.

"When are you two gonna quit dancin' and start playin' again?" Jayne asked.

"I don't know," Zoe laughed at Wash as he started humming.

"Well the game-"

**-Squeak…Squeak…Squeak-**

River looked around. Everyone was still moving. Shepherd was still talking, but she couldn't hear him. She couldn't hear anything except squeaking and a gentle hissing. A breeze swept through and caught her hair.

The cargo bay floor suddenly felt squishy and cool. She looked down and wiggled her toes on the grass and dirt that now covered the ground. She looked up and everyone was gone. There was a tree and a swing. A little girl walked across the field and sat lightly on the swing. She started moving back and forth.

**"River Tam."**

The girl looked behind her. River followed her eyes to the two figures in blue gloves.

**"River Tam…come home…" **

The girl shook her head. "No. I'm not going."

**"Come home. We came a long way to get you. Come home."**

"No. That isn't home."

**"It will be." **

They started walking towards her. She got up and started to run. They easily followed and caught her arm.

**"You shouldn't have ran, River Tam."**

**"We were going to find you eventually."**

**"And now that we have-" **

**"You'll be coming with us-"**

**"Home."**

The girl screamed. River backed up until she felt something stop her. She sank to the ground shaking all over with tears pouring out of her eyes.

She was back in the cargo bay, tucked against the wall. Everyone was surrounding her. Simon was edging towards her.

"Mei mei," he said calmly. "Sh, it's okay."

"No no no no no!"

"I'm here-"

"Get away!"

He stepped forward, pushing Simon out of the way. He didn't know why he did. It was just a reflex. The last few times he had been the one to comfort her. Maybe he was getting used to it. In any case, he crouched in front of her.

"Darlin'," was all he said. She raised her eyes to his as he put his hands on her tiny trembling shoulders.

She clawed at him desperately wanting him to hang on and never let go. He held her, soothingly rubbing her back.

They all watched what was unfolding before them. Simon felt an odd sense of rejection. He knew that he hadn't been there for her in the last few months. She was growing up. She didn't need him as much as she did. Still, that didn't explain why she chose Mal over him.

Wash looked at Zoe. He had told her his theory about River's crush on the captain. At first she didn't agree, but witnessing what just occurred she nodded to her husband. There was something there alright, and it didn't appear to be one-sided.

"What's got you upset today?" Mal asked tenderly, gently easing his hand up to calmingly stroke her silky hair.

"Come home. I don't want to. It's not home," she sobbed into his shoulder.

"You don't have to go no place you don't want to."

"No, you don't understand!"

"I rarely do," he attempted a weak joke.

She gripped the back of his shirt and whispered so only he could hear, "They're coming."

**XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX**


	9. Part three Chapter 1

**Part three  
**_Summary:__ It's only a matter of time…_

********

_Chapter 1-__ Stay  
__Summary:__ "I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but okay." _

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"Who's coming?" Mal asked softly.

She buried her face in his shoulder. "I want to go to my room."

"Okay. Let's go then."

He slowly stood up. She clung to him tighter as if they separated she'd be swept away. He felt her tense, so he lifted her into his arms and carried her to her room with Simon and the others following closely behind them.

He put her down on her bed. She looked at everyone with wide eyes.

"Crowded. Voices everywhere invading my brain…" she mumbled. "Simon?"

Simon sat beside her and took her hand. "I'm here."

"Too many voices."

"We'll go," Mal nodded. She grabbed his hand.

"Stay."

Mal looked at Zoe. She nodded and made everyone else leave. She shut the door leaving Mal and Simon with River.

River frantically grabbed a pencil and her sketch pad.

"Whispers. Alone in a crowded room. No one hears. Screams everywhere. So much blood," she muttered.

"Mei mei, maybe you should just-"

"No. Have to. They're coming, Simon."

"Who is they?" he asked gently.

"Showing you like it showed me."

Simon watched her scribble furiously across the paper. He shifted towards the door, thinking about getting a soother. She grabbed his vest.

"No. No needles! I've slept so much. No more sleeping."

"Alright…alright."

She continued to draw for a few more minutes in silence. Mal watched as she threw the pencil down and grabbed a metal tin. She tossed colored pencil after colored pencil aside until she found the red and blue ones and then colored something in. She threw them aside and held it up looking deeply into Mal's eyes.

"They're coming."

The drawing was a tree with red leaves, a girl on a swing, and then two figures. The two figures had blue gloves. He couldn't see their faces.

"Are these them?" Mal asked as he pointed to the figures.

"So much blood…" she choked.

Simon put his arm around her. "Just try to get some rest."

She started to cry. "I don't want to feel. Make it go away. Make me sleep and never wake me up."

"Don't say that," Simon snapped. "Never say that. I'll be right back."

He looked at Mal. It was silent,_ "Watch her" _look. He moved his head just slightly to let him know that he got the message.

Simon left. River looked up at Mal with teary eyes. She wanted him to take it all way. To take _her_ away.

"Don't leave me alone," she choked fearfully.

"I won't," he replied. It was ripping him up inside to see her like that. He wasn't sure if she wanted him to go over to her or not.

She heard the thought and reached for him. He sat down beside her. She held onto him and silently cried into his chest. He stroked her hair muttering comforting words to her over and over again.

**"You'll never have to feel again."**

**"You won't even remember his name."**

He felt her jolt under his hand and her breathing quicken. She pulled away and grabbed the sketch pad. She started drawing again.

Simon reentered with the soothers.

"River-" he started.

"No. Can't sleep. Can't. She has to show them now."

Simon sighed and put the medicine away. "Okay."

"I'm gonna go since Simon-"

She grabbed his hand without looking up from her drawing. "Said you wouldn't leave her."

"The captain might have things to do," Simon offered.

"No, that's okay doc…" he decided as he gently squeezed her hand. "I got nowhere to be."

"Do you want me to stay?" Simon asked River.

"Don't have to."

"Do you _want _me here?"

"Crowded with three."

"I'll be just outside if you need me."

He left them alone, once again feeling slightly rejected.

Simon went out to everyone. They had all gathered outside of the infirmary.

"How is she?" Inara asked. Kaylee had filled her in on what happened.

"I'm not sure. She seems to know what's happening, but she's talking in riddles. More so than usual. She's anxious about something."

"Do we know what it might be about?" Shepherd inquired.

"She drew a picture and said 'they're coming'."

"Who's 'they'?" Kaylee frowned.

"I'm not sure. She didn't draw their faces. There were two of them and they had blue gloves."

"Should we be concerned?" Inara asked worriedly.

"It could be her condition talking," Simon sighed.

"Or it could be the witch part of her," Jayne added.

"Wait, where's the cap'in?" Kaylee realized.

"He's in there with her now."

"What should we do?" Wash asked.

"I offered her soothers, but she said no. I guess we should go on as usual and see what happens. Right now I don't see any cause for alarm. She's had these episodes before. I'll keep an eye on her."

Zoe patted Wash sympathetically on the arm. "She'll be fine, dear. You'll have your playmate back soon."

He gave her a little smile and they left for the bridge. Kaylee hugged Simon tightly.

"Zo's right. She'll be fine. She's strong like you."

"I know. I just feel…rejected."

"Rejected?"

"She wanted Mal to stay over me."

"Maybe she just needed someone that wouldn't baby her too much, you know? Maybe this is somethin' that she's gotta do for herself."

"That's possible. He's been really good to her."

"He ain't that bad of a person. He can be warm and fuzzy when he wants to be."

"Because he's a teddy bear."

She laughed. "That got a smile out of you."

********

She had been at it for hours. She drew picture after picture, muttering to herself as she went.

"Red eyes. Blue hands. So much death," she whispered.

He checked the time.

"Little one," he yawned.

"Red on white. Red on everything."

"River."

"Screaming so loudly-"

"Sweetheart."

She finally looked at him.

"It's almost two in the mornin'. I think it's about time for you to sleep."

"No. Can't sleep."

"Then just shut your eyes and put your head down for a bit."

"Can't rest. Have to show-"

He took the pencil from her. "You don't get it back until you rest for a little while."

She huffed, but relented. "Stay? Please?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Swing creaking alone in the wind. Vulnerable. I'm not going. Don't make me go," she started to cry.

"I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but okay. I'll stay. I'll get some blankets and camp out on the floor by the-"

She had already cleared a spot for him and pulled him down towards the bed. He was about to argue, but she set her head on his shoulder, clutching his arm close to her fragile little form.

"Goodnight Captain."

"G'night little one."

_"Let me go," she said forcefully._

_"No."_

_"I'm not going."_

_"You'll never have to feel again."_

_"You won't even remember his name," the other said._

_She winced under the crushing pressure of the gloved hand._

_"No."_

_"You'll be going home."_

_"Don't worry," the other agreed. "You won't feel the pain this time."_

_She resisted. They never should have lied to a reader._

She sat up with a scream.

Mal rubbed his eyes and sat up beside her. It took a moment for them both to remember where they were and who they were with. Once they did, she collapsed against him and grasped his shirt.

"It's okay, darlin'. Just a bad dream."

He wrapped his arms around her. She reveled in his presence and the way she felt tucked against him. She never wanted him to let go. Inara said she'd just know what it felt like, and she was right. Any doubts she had about how she felt towards her captain were gone and for a split second she felt like a normal girl. And then-

**"You will come with us, River Tam."**

**"And no one will come for you this time."**

She nuzzled closer to him and shut her eyes tightly. He held her closer.

"Sh, it's okay. It's okay."

"I'm not going…" she sobbed. "Don't make me. Stay with me."

"I will. I will…"

He couldn't help noticing what she felt like in his arms. He didn't want to let her go. He didn't plan on it until she was somewhat stable, which could be awhile. Oddly enough he didn't mind waiting it out with her.


	10. Three Chapter 2

_Chapter 2-__ Show you  
__Summary:__ Tension rises and River is determined to show them_

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Simon found River sleeping curled up across Mal with her face nuzzled in his neck. He found it strange that the captain had allowed her to do that.

He cleared his throat loudly to rouse them. Mal opened his eyes slowly and blinked several times before the blurry room became clear again.

"Hey doc," he yawned.

"Hello Captain."

River slowly woke up and looked between the two men. She realized that she was on top of Mal and she quickly rolled off.

"Sleep well?" Simon asked innocently.

They both chose to ignore the question.

"I should go get cleaned up," Mal muttered as he got off of River's bed. She watched him go. He turned back to her before leaving, sending her the message mentally.

_I'll be back soon._

He went up through the kitchen where everyone else was eating breakfast.

"Damn Mal, you look like hell!" Jayne laughed.

He glared and kept going towards his bunk.

"What's his problem?" Jayne frowned.

"He's upset because Blue Sun is changing his favor flavor of tea from lemon to lemon _with _lime," Wash said sarcastically.

"Really?"

"Aya laotian ye, yige zhizhang chou shi congming yu ni!"

Zoe laughed. "Calm down, husband. He was just born this way."

"This isn't something to be calm about," Inara agreed. Wash nodded in thanks.

"She was doin' so well too," Kaylee sighed.

"Who?" Jayne asked.

"Amphictyonis, the goddess of wine. She was doing so gorram well with her wine enterprise, but then when she decided to go corporate with her business accounts-" Wash growled.

"River," Shepherd clarified.

"What does wine have to do with moonbrain?"

"NOTHING! I WAS BEING A SMARTASS!"

"What's the shoutin' for?" Mal asked when he reentered.

"We're just a little tense, Sir…" Zoe took Wash's hand.

He nodded and started walking back towards the passenger dorms.

"That's it? No update on River? No coffee? No breakfast?" Kaylee asked.

"She was up 'til past two and woke up off and on with nightmares. And no and no."

He went down the steps and to River's door. He tapped twice before they called to him to enter.

"Hello," Simon said politely. She was drawing again. "Back so soon?"

"Yeah well. It's a few days 'til we reach Lazarus and I don't got much to do."

Simon looked at him skeptically. "Thank you, Captain, but you've done enough already."

"It's no trouble."

River patted the empty space beside her. Mal crossed the room and sat down heavily.

"How is she?" Mal asked.

"_She_ is in the room," River snapped.

He chuckled. "How are you then?"

"Bamboo beneath the finger nails. Never forget. Can't talk. Must work."

Mal looked over at Simon. He was still hovering in the corner.

"You can go, doc. I conjure little Kaylee is missin' you at breakfast."

He was about to protest, but River stopped him in his tracks.

"Go. She's fine."

He grunted and left them alone.

********

"I don't get the big deal. That girl has always been off her rocker. She's always been crazy like this. So what if she's babblin' more again? Just makes the boat all sorts of loud again," Jayne shrugged.

"She's a reader, Jayne. She can sense things. If she's bad again, things might get bad…" Zoe explained.

"And she's our crew, our _family_…" Kaylee added.

"She's just yours 'cause you're ruttin' with her older brother," Jayne snarled.

"Jayne!" Inara cried.

"What?"

Shepherd wasn't in the mood for a shouting match. He got up and left, passing Simon in the corridor.

"Watch it, son. There's about to be a fight in there," he warned him.

Simon went in and sat beside Kaylee anyway.

"All I'm sayin' is that this ain't new or out of the usual. We're fussin' over a crazy witch."

"Zhukou ni yongsu yuan!" Wash spat.

"You wanna go, little man?" Jayne growled as he slammed his chopsticks down on the table.

"You don't seem to understand that we're a family here and it's really bugging me," Wash snapped.

"She ain't my crew or my family."

"Watch it," Simon warned.

"Shut it, doc. This is between me 'n him!" Jayne yelled.

"Please, both of you!" Inara cried.

"I didn't mean to yell. I just didn't appreciate the way he was talking about my yao feixiang niuniu."

"I-"

"Jayne," Zoe interrupted. "Leave the room."

He cursed and stalked off.

"Don't mind him," Kaylee told Simon lovingly. "The rest of us love her."

********

Mal sat beside her all day. Kaylee showed up with Simon around dinner time and took Mal up to the table by force while Simon stayed with River.

"I see you're joining us," Shepherd smiled as Mal took his seat at the head of the table.

"Yeah. My mechanic kidnapped me."

Kaylee shrugged. "I gotta do what I gotta do, Cap'in."

"How is she?" Inara asked.

"She's been drawin' since she woke up. She wouldn't even stop to eat."

"Why has she been drawing?"

"She keeps sayin' that she has to show me like they showed her. I don't know what it is, but she thinks it's gorram important."

********

"You need to eat," Simon said sternly. She ignored him and focused on the sketch pad.

**"We came all this way for you."**

She started drawing faster to block them out.

**"We intend on bringing you back."**

The pencil dug into the paper, tearing a new hole with each quick movement.

**"No one will come for you."**

-_RipRipRip-_

**"No one will know where you are."**

Her fingers were bruised and swollen from the constant drawing. Blood dripped down the pencil onto the paper.

**"It's a secret."**

"Mei mei? You're bleeding! Stop drawing-"

**"And no one tells our secrets."**

-_Snap-_

The pencil finally broke, but she picked up the shattered end with the tip and kept going. The broken wood cut into her already injured hands.

**"We make sure of that."**

Simon reached across the bed to grab the shards from her. Her elbow connected with his chest. He stumbled back, breathless from the powerful blow. He tried again. Her free hand caught his wrist. She twisted his arm and kicked him in the chest, all the while still drawing.

"RIVER!" Simon shouted angrily. "PUT THE PENCIL DOWN! YOU'RE HURTING YOURSELF!"

Mal heard the shouting and raced down the steps. He sped up once he heard Simon say that she was hurting herself. Most everyone followed to see what had happened _this _time.

He tore the door open and saw Simon edging towards River with his hands in a defensive position.

"River," Simon said calmly. "Put the-"

"Can't! Have to…show you…" she replied through shaky tears. She felt him. He was there.

Mal saw the blood coming from her hands and impulsively pushed Simon aside and sat beside her. He reached for the pencil.

She knew that her training would kick in and she'd have to hurt him if he tried. She was so close to finishing it…

He grabbed the end of the pencil. She tried to fight back, but he ripped it out of her hand.

"You gotta stop, sweetheart. You gotta stop," he whispered as he held her tightly against his chest, partly to keep her from trying to do anything and partly because it seemed like that's what he should do.

"Had to show you," she explained into his neck. Simon had left to get some things from the infirmary and had returned.

"Let me see your hands," he ordered, already in doctor mode.

She held them out. Mal winced at the sight. Simon took care of them—luckily she didn't need stitches—and then gave her a shot in case the pencil sent any toxins into her bloodstream. She stayed in Mal's arms the entire time, slowly regaining some sort of stability.

"I see them. I hear them. They're coming. Had to show you," she muttered against his shirt.

"You've done plenty of that for one day. Get some rest," he said evenly. He looked at Zoe, slowly shifting his eyes to her box of pencils. She nodded.

Simon got River situated, meaning he gave her something to make her sleep, and Zoe and Mal cleared the room of anything she could use to write or draw with.

"Mal," Inara called. He walked over to her and away from everyone else.

"What is it?"

"I'm concerned-"

"We all are."

"No, I'm concerned about how…dependant…she is on you."

"Dependant?"

"It seems like every time something has happened, the only thing that was able pacify her was you."

He paused and folded his arms. "Your point?"

"We're landing tomorrow. You have a job. You can't be here every moment of every day. If she has another moment-"

"I think you're makin' too much of a fuss. Simon is the one-"

"The last two times she hasn't responded to Simon! She's responding to you."

"Fine. Then you deal as best you can 'til I get back."

"But-"

"What do you suggest then?"

She fell silent.

"If any of my crew needs me, I'm there. You know that. It just so happens she's needin' me right now. So that's where I'm gonna be."

He went back into her room. Inara sighed. _It's like talking to a brick wall…_

_(Aya laotian ye, yige zhizhang chou shi congming yu ni_- _oh heavens, a retarded buffoon is smarter than you_

_Zhukou ni yongsu yuan_- _shut up you filthy/dirty ape_

_Yao feixiang niuniu- youngest/tiny fly girl)_


	11. Three Chapter 3

_Chapter 3-__ He wasn't Mal  
__Summary:__ No one could be _

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She was asleep. He could tell by the way she was breathing. Slow, rhythmic, _calm_. He decided to watch her for just a little bit, just in case. His eyes scanned the little room. He had never noticed how small the passenger rooms were.

There were two places to sit: the floor and the bed. Since he didn't want to risk waking her, he picked the floor and hoped that he could get back up again.

He leaned against the bed as gently as he could. The girl needed her rest. He felt something rest on his shoulder. He looked over and saw her hand. She tugged on his shirt and then rolled over, clearing a space for him. He smiled to himself. She was still sound asleep, but she _knew_ he was there.

He took the invite and sat upright on her bed. It wasn't a second later before she was using his lap as a pillow and hugging his leg.

Watching her for a little bit turned into several hours and before he knew it, he was asleep too with his arm draped across her.

The medicine kept the nightmares away. That, and the new Mal-shaped pillow that kept her company through the night. It was like a security blanket for the mind. She frowned in her sleep. Correction, _he_ was like a security blanket for the mind. She grinned and snuggled closer to him. _I concur with that statement._

Zoe slid the door to River's room open quietly. She smirked at the sight before her. River was curled up across his lap and his arm was around her. She almost hated to wake him, but their job was waiting. Wash popped up behind his wife's shoulder.

"Aw, they're like two cute little kittens," he whispered. She looked at him with a quirked eyebrow. "What? They are!"

"Sh! Let me do the waking!"

"Yes dear."

Zoe stepped into the room and stood beside the bed. She tapped him on the shoulder three times. His eyes slowly opened.

"Zo…hi…" he mumbled sleepily.

"Sir, it's time to go. We've got a job."

"Right. I'll be along soon."

She nodded and left the room. Wash waved at Mal.

"Hey Mal, how'd you-"

Zoe grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him away while shutting the door.

"Let the man wake the 'kitten'."

Mal heard the comment, but didn't really get what she meant.

"River," he said softly. She stirred and then rolled off of him.

"Go," she yawned. Sometimes, he was still taken aback by the girl's gift.

"Okay. We'll be back by after lunch."

She nodded and pulled the covers up. He waited until after she had shut her eyes to leave the room.

"Let me get cleaned up and then we can go," he told Zoe as he went up the steps.

"No problem."

Jayne came down the steps and looked strangely at where Mal had just been.

"What's he doin' goin' back up there? I thought you said you woke him. He should be comin' down, not goin' up…"

"I did wake him up. He was down here," Zoe sighed.

"What? Why?"

"You know, I would say something clever and sarcastic to point out how dumb and gullible you are, but it's not worth it…" Wash shrugged. Zoe laughed.

"He was watchin' River," Zoe explained.

"Ain't that all he's been doin'?"

They nodded.

Mal arrived shortly after that and they left. He wasn't completely comfortable leaving after everything that had been happening with River, but he figured Simon could manage.

********

"How are you feeling?" Simon asked.

"Better," River responded quietly.

"That's good. If it's alright, I think that you should stay in here for the time we're on the planet so I can monitor you."

"That's fine."

"I brought you breakfast."

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat, and I'm not leaving until you do."

She huffed, but started to eat the protein mush he brought her.

He left after she did. Wash poked his head in only a few minutes later.

"Want some company?"

She smiled at him. He grinned and sat on the edge of the mattress.

"We gotta get back to our lessons one of these days."

"You know how to waltz."

"I was thinking that I should learn something else like the foxtrot or better yet, the tango."

She giggled. "The tango?"

"Why not?"

"Only if you keep teaching me how to fly."

"Done. I don't call you fly girl for nothing."

She gave him another small smile. He always made her feel somewhat normal. That's why it was so annoying when she found herself losing it again.

_**-Swish-**_

The sound of leaves rustled loudly in the sudden gust of wind that swept through. The girl walked along the ground to the swing, white dress flowing behind her. She sat down with a creak and started to sway. She looked back, gazing into River's eyes.

**"They're coming,"** her younger self stated.

"I know," River whispered.

"Know what?" Wash asked. She didn't hear him.

**"Two by two." **

"Hands of blue," they finished together.

**"They've come a long way. They won't leave without you."**

Her eyes drifted upwards at the leaves and then back to River's.

**"They will take you. There's nothing you can do to stop them. Autumn is my favorite season."**

"No it's not," River argued. Her favorite season was always summer.

**"It's irrelevant. We'll never see another season. Shouldn't fight it. You'll just prolong the pain. Don't forget to kiss him goodbye. You both can't live through it."**

Her eyes shifted to something to River's right. They were there. She knew what came next.

**"I know. You want me to come home. Time to go, River." **

"River?" Wash asked worriedly.

She started to scream as the two hands of blue grabbed her younger self and dragged her away.

"S-Simon," she managed.

"SIMON!" Wash shouted. He carefully put his arms around her, attempting to lull her like Mal had done before.

She felt his arms holding her, but at the same time it was like she didn't because _he wasn't Mal_.

Simon darted in and Wash passed her to him. He shushed her. "It's alright, mei mei."

The same comfort he once provided seemed to drain from the room, from her life, for the same reason the blonde pilot's arms didn't bring her any feeling. _He wasn't Mal._ No one was Mal. He was out on a job and gone for a few more hours. She knew that she wouldn't calm down until he was home.

"Simon, soothers…" she whispered unevenly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Watch her," he told Wash harshly.

"Yeah."

Wash sat back down beside her and took her hand. She pushed the tears back whispering her words over and over again only loud enough for her to hear, "You both can't live through it."

Simon gave her the drugs. She curled up in a little ball holding her pillow tightly, pretending that he was there. He would be, but it would be awhile. After what seemed like an eternity—in reality it was only ten minutes—she drifted into a light sleep.

********

"I gotta say that I'm surprised that no one got shot…" Mal smiled after he shut the ramp in the cargo bay.

"I was stabbed!" Jayne whined.

"In the shoulder. It ain't deep and that don't count," he snapped.

Mal stepped through the corridor towards the infirmary. Simon had just exited River's room.

"I'm glad you're back."

"Why?" Mal didn't much like the relief he heard in Simon's voice. That implied that something was amiss.

"River isn't doing too well. She requested soothers. She's sleeping now."

Simon wasn't even able to finish the sentence before Mal had ducked into her room. She was sleeping, but woke up the second she felt his presence.

"Captain," she muttered.

"Hey little one. I heard you're not doin' too good."

"No."

"Why's that?"

He sat down beside her and she almost immediately draped across him. She could already feel the tension melting away.

"They're coming."

He hated how small and scared her voice sounded.

"What can I do?"

"Tree by itself in a field. No one hears."

"I ain't goin' no place."

She moved closer to him. She wished that she could say the same. Although he grounded her, she was still terrified. _Don't forget to kiss him goodbye. You both can't live through it._


	12. Three Chapter 4

_Chapter 4-__ They're here_

_Summary:__ Two by two…hands of blue_

**XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX**

"No."

"But Cap'in-"

"Sh!" Mal gestured to River's sleeping form.

"I don't feel right lettin' you stay.

"Kaylee, go out and have fun."

"He won't have fun and then I can't have fun. He'll be too worried 'bout her!"

"Get him drunk then. I don't care. Just go. Everyone else is. Hell, even Shepherd is goin' out to the bars!"

"Simon won't let you stay."

"Send him in and I'll convince him if you have to! She's just sleepin'. I can handle that."

"Okay, okay fine. I'll go convince him it'll be shiny…"

"You're good at that, mei mei. Have a drink for me."

"Will do, Cap'in."

Kaylee hugged him and then left him alone with River.

"Didn't have to give up your night for me, Captain."

"How long have you been awake?" he smirked.

"Long enough."

"A bar is a bar. I can always get drunk another night."

She felt the fireflies again. He joined her on the bed, his closeness only fueling the sensations.

"Thank you," she murmured into the stillness of the room.

"It ain't a big deal, darlin'."

"It is…to me."

He swallowed hard and directed his gaze elsewhere. Sometimes the little witch's eyes were a little too much to take head on.

"Everyone is gone now. Simon left. Kaylee made him go."

"That's little Kaylee for you."

River smirked and glanced at her stack of drawings. He followed her eyes to them and then looked at her bandaged hands. He felt something odd tugging at him when he recalled the bloody mess that they had been.

"Had to," she whispered. "Had to show you."

"But I haven't even looked at 'em yet."

"Not the right time. You'll know when. It's important."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I ain't followin' you."

"I can't quantify it. They just are and you'll know."

He sighed. River-speak was sometimes a mite hard to figure out.

_**-Squeak-**_

Her eyes drifted to the corner of the room where she saw her sitting on the swing. She turned to her older self with wide eyes.

**"Time to go, River. They're here."**

Mal jumped. River suddenly screamed and ran out of the room. He followed her into the infirmary. She had broken through the glass with her arm and was clawing at the anesthetics. He pulled her into his arms.

"If you needed somethin' for pain, you could of just asked!"

She shook her head with big tears pouring down her cheeks. "They're _here_."

"Here?"

"Here now…"

Her eyes darted upwards and then she closed them completely. He caught her before she fell.

"River? River?" he repeated over and over again as he set her on the table gingerly. He cupped her face and gently shook her. "Wake up, darlin'. Wake up."

"I'm not going," she cried as her eyes flew open.

"River, what do you need me to do?"

"Screams everywhere. So much blood."

"Little one, I need you to tell me what I have to do. Is someone on the ship?"

"They want me to come home."

"Sweetheart," he said forcefully. For some reason, that always got her attention.

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"They're on the ship."

He cursed and started to leave. She held his hand.

"No, don't. They have armor."

"And I don't have my gun."

"No touching guns."

"No, that rule don't apply to a criminal such as myself."

"They're upstairs. Can't get to your bunk without getting caught."

"Then I'll get one from the cargo bay. Don't move. Don't do anything."

He looked at her bleeding arm. One of the cuts looked a little too close to her wrist. He quickly grabbed the bandages and wrapped her arm.

"Don't move," he repeated.

"I ain't goin' no place…" she quoted. He grinned and then left for the cargo bay.

He got a gun off of the mule and ran back to the infirmary. She was still seated there with unshed tears glistening in her big brown eyes.

"Where are they? Can you tell?" he asked.

"They're on their way. Searching. Their men are everywhere outside. Poised for attack. Waiting."

"Where's our best bet?"

"Right here."

"Are you sure? If we get boxed in-"

"Already are. Nowhere to run."

"The shuttles?"

"Inara has hers, the other is being searched."

"Gorramit."

He peered outside of the doorway. So far, the coast was clear. He heard pots and pans hitting the ground upstairs. Everyone else was gone. Someone else was definitely on his ship.

"I'm not going," she said softly. The tears had finally escaped. He wandered over to her and took her hand.

"You won't go anywhere. We gotta keep our wits about us."

"I don't want to feel when it happens."

"What happens?"

"They take me."

"_That ain't gonna happen_."

She shushed him. They heard footsteps.

"Stay back," he whispered.

Two men in suits with blue gloves appeared in Mal's sight. They looked like they had simply walked out of her drawing. River saw them too. She bit her tongue to keep from screaming.

Mal fired a few bullets at them. They easily dodged and looked at him with an amused—as much as they could be amused—expression on their faces.

The shorter of the two kicked the gun out of his hand. It skidded across the floor and under the couch. Mal threw a punch. It connected with one of their jaws. The other hit him and he stumbled back.

River had stayed back like he told her to, but that was all of the motivation she needed to join the fight. She stood up and gracefully moved to the doorframe beside her captain. The hands of blue gave her a faint smile.

"River Tam," they said together.

"We've come a long way to get you."

"And to take you home."

She wasted no time. Mal watched her fight. It looked more like dancing than fighting. They blocked her every move. She knew that they wouldn't use the phrase, not yet. They were enjoying her too much for that. After everything they had been through to find her, they wanted to take pleasure in breaking her. She knew it, and that made her fight even harder.

Mal waited for the opportunity to help her. He joined in only to be punched again.

"You shouldn't have ran, River Tam."

"We were going to find you eventually."

"Don't worry. You won't feel the pain this time."

River kicked the one that spoke last right in the jaw. He wiped the trail of blood off of his lip.

"Don't lie to a reader," she snapped.

He smirked at her and the fighting continued. Mal steadied himself and took one of them on. The blue hands looked scrawny, but they had one hell of a punch. He could taste the blood in his mouth and more drained in from his nose. He hit the ground after the blue hand kicked him in the chest.

The other grabbed River and covered her ears with his hands. She saw the stick come out of the shorter one's sleeve. She kicked it out of his hand and was rewarded with a slap across the face.

She flipped out of his grasp and helped Mal stand. The one on the left grabbed her while the other dove for the special little stick. She struggled against his grasp, but he held on. She watched Mal take another punch. The blue hand was getting ready to open it.

**"You both can't live through it."**

"Stop!" River shouted. "I'll go."

Mal looked at her in shock. "What?"

The blue hands smiled at her.

"Let him live and I'll go," she said, masking the fear in her voice.

"Let's go home, River Tam…" the one in front of Mal nodded.

Mal punched him. He didn't even move. He punched back and Mal fell down again. He looked up at her. "River-"

She shook her head no. "Time to go."

Mal tried to fight back, but a well placed shoe across the face knocked him out cold. She squirmed out of his arms and crouched beside him. She took his pulse.

"He's alive," one of them said coolly.

She ran her hand down his face with tears running down her own. "Had to. Couldn't let you die," she whispered into his ear. She kissed him on the cheek and stared the two monsters down.

"You won't even remember his name," one of them said.

"Some things you never forget," she responded softly. They said the phrase and her world disappeared.

**XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX**


	13. Part Four Chapter 1

**Part four  
**_Summary:__ She just has to hang on until he can save her_

********

_Chapter 1-__ They took her  
__Summary:__ And the crew has nothing to go on_

**XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX**

"Captain, can you hear me?" Simon's voice called from afar.

"River," he muttered. He opened his eyes and tried to get up off of the floor. Simon pushed him back down gently.

"You have a concussion. You shouldn't-"

"Get the hell off of me, doc! River? Where's River?"

"I was hoping you'd know."

"Cao zhe aiya yuzhou!"

"What happened?" Simon asked nervously.

"They showed up on my gorram boat!" Mal hissed as he stood up unsteadily. He grabbed the back of a chair and waited for the room to stop spinning.

"They?"

"The two guys in blue gloves!"

"Did they take her?"

"I think so. If she ain't here-"

"Kaylee is looking for her. Maybe she's hiding…"

"What time is it?"

"Just after midnight."

"Gorramit! They could be ten worlds away by now!"

Simon looked whiter than his shirt. "She still might be here…"

"Where is everyone?"

"Kaylee and I came back early. Everyone else is still out."

Mal took off for the stairs. He miscalculated a step and started heading for the floor. Simon caught his arm before he fell down.

"You should sit down."

"And she should be on the ship."

"She might be-"

"She ain't here, doc. We have to find her. I'm callin' everyone back."

Simon didn't argue. He helped Mal up the steps and to the bridge. Kaylee followed.

"Cap'in! What's goin' on?"

"They took her. We can talk once we get airborne."

He reached everyone and they rushed back.

"Sir?" Zoe asked the second they rushed into the kitchen. Everyone had finally arrived, including Inara.

"We were blocked in and then confronted by the two men River drew in that first picture. They said that they wanted to take her home and that they had come a long way to get her. We fought and then outta nowhere she said that she'd go with them. I tried to stop them, but then they kicked me across the face. It must have knocked me out, 'cause the next thing I remember is the doc wakin' me up. We've lost hours here and we need to find her. This here is a recipe for unpleasantness."

"Where did they take her? Do we know?" Wash asked.

"They said they were takin' her 'home'."

"The Academy," Simon said softly. He turned a putrid shade of green. Kaylee wrapped her arms around him.

"We'll get her back, sweetie."

"Do you think they'll be takin' her there right off?" Mal asked.

"Osiris is too far away to get there without stopping," Wash offered.

"What exactly will they do to her?" Inara asked nervously.

"I never figured out exactly what they did. I just know that they cut into her brain over and over again…" Simon choked.

"Where was she before? Maybe they'll find a planet on the way with the same type of facility to stop off for a few days," Shepherd suggested.

"It was a top secret medical facility underground. It took me almost a year to find her, but I knew what planet she was on then."

"I can see what Feds have come in and out of the docks in the last day or so," Wash shrugged.

"I can speak with my friends here. They might know something," Inara added.

"Okay. Let's get a move on," Mal agreed.

"I need to examine you-"

"No, doc. I'm fine. I have work to do."

He walked out and staggered down the steps into her room. _I can't believe I let them take her…_

********

The sterile white room slowly shifted into focus.

"Welcome home, River Tam."

They both stepped into her line of sight.

"Don't try to move."

"You're restrained for obvious reasons."

"They trained you well."

She stared them down with wide eyes, propping their minds. "This isn't home."

"Very good. This isn't Osiris. We can't take you back there."

"It's expected."

"Where we are is a secret. It seems you have a knack for learning secrets you shouldn't know, but since the crew of Serenity doesn't know where you are-"

"We aren't concerned about you knowing. No one will come for this time. Ready to get back to work?"

She struggled against the cold metal restraints. They bit harshly into her frail body. The blue hands snickered.

"You should know not to fight by now."

The doctors entered with their needles and their drugs. She screamed and fought harder. A moment later, the syringe was lodged into her arm and she was drifting into an induced sleep. The last thing she saw was the familiar doctor's face with a twisted smile.

"We've missed working with you."

********

The door slid open and Inara entered.

"I've been looking everywhere for you."

"What did you find from your friends?"

"There were three Fed ships that landed shortly after we did. They took off over four hours ago."

"And?"

"That's all he knew. They didn't speak to anyone or do anything. It as if they were never here. Wash said the same thing."

"So we've got nothin' at all?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Aiya yiqie na shi sheng!" he growled. Inara leapt as he kicked the wall.

"Mal-"

"We've got nothin'!"

He sat down on her bed with a sigh. His eyes found the stack of her drawings on the nightstand. _"You'll know when." _He picked them up and looked at Inara.

"Maybehaps not nothin'…"

********

There was discomfort. There was pain. And then there were the horrors that she had to endure. It made pain seem like cuddling with soft little puppies and it made freaks like Niska look like philanthropists.

One by one, the needles were pushed quickly into her head with one fluid motion after another. With each one came a scream. It felt like splinters were being placed just underneath her skin and pulled in and out repeatedly with unbelievable force. Her shoulders slumped with relief when she heard those sweet words, "That's enough for now. Take her to her room."

They undid the restraints and she pounced—as much as she could pounce—on her tormentors. The doctor fell back, attempting to pry her surprisingly strong fingers from his throat. The others pulled her off of him and dragged her away. Their hands were gripping her to the point of breaking something to keep her under control.

"She isn't the same," one of the men holding her stated. "She's grown quite a bit, both mentally and physically."

"It might be a problem," the other agreed.

"No it won't," one of the blue hands hissed as they arrived behind them.

"We will break her eventually. Once she realizes she'll never see her brother or Captain Reynolds ever again, she will be ours once again."

"Wrong," she croaked as they snapped the restraints holding her down on the bed.

"They won't find you."

"The sooner you accept it, the better."

"No one knows where you are."

They slammed the door. She heard all of the locks activate on the other side and then she hear nothing at all. She didn't know that she was crying until she felt her tears drip down her neck.

Her mind was too tired to try to find out where she was, but what would be the point? They weren't on Osiris. Simon wouldn't know where to look. There were so many planets and moons. He'd never find her. She'd never see him again…or Mal. She'd never feel his arms around her ever again.

**"Don't cry."**

River looked over and saw the tree with her younger self sitting on the swing.

**"I know where you are."**

She got up and off of the swing gracefully with a small smile.

**"He'll hold you again. Autumn is my favorite season."**

She skipped away bringing River back to her harsh reality. She shut her eyes and envisioned her captain before she gave into the horrible pain and fell asleep.

_(Cao zhe aiya yuzhou- fuck this damn universe_

_Aiya yiqie na shi sheng- Damn all that is holy)_


	14. Four Chapter 2

_Chapter 2-__ We're gonna find her  
__Summary:__ The title says it all_

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Mal poured over her drawings. They made no sense to him. It was just the same few images over and over again. A girl, a swing, the men that took her, and an autumn tree.

"My husband needs a course," Zoe said as she joined Mal at the table.

"I need to know where they went," he snapped.

"Do you really think the answer is in her scribblin's?"

"What else do we got to go by? She told me I'd know when to look at 'em, and I say that's right now."

"Need some fresh eyes, Captain?" Simon offered. "I'm experienced in the way River thinks."

Mal nodded and handed him half of the stack. Zoe got up and went back onto the bridge to see Wash and give Mal some space.

********

"I'm so worried 'bout Simon, 'Nara!" Kaylee cried.

"I know. This is a bad situation all of the way around."

"What if we never find her?"

"We will. He won't stop until he finds her."

"Right. Cap'in is on his side this time. He ain't gonna sleep 'til he finds her too."

"He did get rather attached to her, didn't he?"

"Yeah. She got attached to him too. It was all sorts of cute."

"Cute?"

"Yeah! They looked adorable together. But now she's all alone without him or nobody she knows! What if they're really hurtin' her?"

"We just have to find her soon."

"What if we find her even more broke than before? Or worse? What if we find her dead? Or not at all?"

"You mustn't think that way. We will find her and we'll all be there to help her through. She's a strong kid."

"She ain't a kid no more, 'Nara. She ain't the same as when she was first here. She's older 'n a bit less crazy. This could set her back. I don't think Simon could take it."

"I don't think anyone on this ship can."

********

The door swung open. She kept her eyes shut as long as she possibly could. She could pretend that she was in her room with Simon and Mal…

"Time to get back to work, River."

The restraints were opened. She kicked one of them in the jaw and tried to make a run for it. They caught her and dragged her down the hall.

"What happened to you? You used to behave so well."

"Not the same broken toy you like to play with," she spat.

They put her back in the chair. All of the needles were set out in front of her on a tray lined up in two shiny rows, sparkling in the bright lights. She found it ironic that something that looked so pretty could be so harmful.

"Shall we begin?" the doctor asked. His polite tone sickened her, especially since she saw right through his bedside manner. She knew what he was going to do. She saw his mind and his soul.

He gave her the sedative and then rammed the first needle into her temple. She screamed and held onto the arms of the chair for dear life.

_"Sh, don't scream. I know where you are. He will too," her younger self smiled reassuringly. "Had to help you save him. Now I'll help him save you. But you have to fight them. Don't let them in. Not this time. Nightmares help their work, so I'll send you good dreams. Hang on, River. He'll save you soon. He always saves you."_

_Her eyes drifted over to someone on the right. It was Mal. _

_"It's okay, darlin'," he said tenderly. "We're gonna bring you back home. Your real home."_

Her eyes opened and she fought the urge to scream as another needle entered her skull. The doctor's assistant looked at her oddly.

"She's awake."

"I know. The readings are all wrong. I don't know what she was just dreaming, but it blocked us out like a gorram brick wall."

********

"Well?" Mal asked Simon tiredly.

"I don't know. I can't make sense of this. I don't know what it means."

"Damnit!"

He collected the papers and started to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to think."

"And I need to find my sister! They got her back, Captain! We need to find her and all we've done is look at her drawings!"

"You got a better idea? If so I'm all for it."

"I don't know what to do! I hate feeling so helpless…"

"We're gonna find her."

"How?"

"I don't know yet, but we will. You just gotta keep a level head so when we do find her, you can help us figure out how to go in and break her out again."

He didn't let Simon reply and decided to go down into River's room. He thought that she might have some other drawings there or something that could point him in the right direction. Anything, even if it was just a vibe he got from being around her stuff. She was a gorram psychic and scrawny men in blue gloves kicked his ass. As far as he was concerned, anything was possible.

He set the papers down and started going through her things. He lifted her pillow up and a sheet of paper flew out from the pillow case. It landed face down beside his foot. He sat down and picked it up. The paper was beat up and slightly ripped like it had been looked at a lot. His heartbeat sped up. Maybe it was the key to finding her.

When he turned it over he saw his own face looking back at him. He grinned. She did draw a picture of him. His grin quickly changed into a frown. It was his fault she was gone.

_"Let him live and I'll go." _

He felt a tingling sensation flutter across the side of his face and then a fiery flash on his cheek almost like someone had ran their feathery fingers across his face and then given him a kiss. His brow furrowed and he could have sworn that he felt a breeze blowing through the room. There must have been because the papers flew off of the nightstand and onto the floor.

"What are you tryin' to tell me, sweetheart?" he sighed.

********

She was still in the chair. The doctors were a bit perplexed. It seemed like every time they tried to work, her mind blocked them.

"Deeper," the doctor barked angrily as he upped her dose of sedatives.

Beads collected across the assistant's forehead as he carefully grasped the end of the needle. He slowly pushed it into her brain further. He had never let the needles go that far into a subject before. Honestly he didn't know how safe it was.

_"It's okay," Mal said with his adorable boyish grin. "Nothin' is gonna-"_

_A Reaver popped up behind him with a hungry look in his eyes. _

_Corpse after corpse appeared before her eyes. The stench was unbearable. The sky was bright blue. Everything about the place was bright. Deceptively happy. _

_"They never lie down," her voice whispered. _

_She walked around through the white streets until she reached a shuttle. She glided through the hull and stood inside. A young brunette with a ponytail hit record. _

_"These are just a few of the images we've recorded," she said quietly. River watched her entire speech, leaping when she heard the pounding at the door. _

_She witnessed the Reavers break in and kill the woman before her eyes. She screamed when they noticed her hovering in the corner. _

_The view pulled back and up through the air, pulling her along with it. She saw the entire blue planet. _

Her eyes flew open with tears streaming down her eyes. She knew the secret now. She knew why they wanted her. Everyone else would know it too.

The word slipped off of her tongue in a hushed whisper, "Miranda."


	15. Four Chapter 3

_Chapter 3-__ Hang in there  
__Summary:__ She just has to hold on…_

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"River…River…hey fly girl…wake up…"

River opened her eyes. Wash was staring at her with his goofy grin.

"Hi. Some accommodations you've got here. I think that the rooms here could compete with that five star resort we stayed at."

She stared at him blankly. "Blonde?"

"Yup."

"Is it really you?"

"No. Yes. No. Sorta. I'm me, but I'm you."

"So I'm hallucinating…"

"Yeah. Sorry. I'm your subconscious here to keep you company."

"I thought that my subconscious was my younger self."

"Yeah, she's busy. She's off trying to tell Mal where you are. He's a sharp one. He'll figure it out."

"Why am I seeing you? Why am I _talking_ to you? I'm talking to myself."

"_Dormant _self. I'm here because one, you needed some humor to hold you together while you wait for your knight in shiny shinning armor and because two, if you were seeing Mal or Simon you'd get too sad. I'm here to make you smile and to help you with your own mind."

"Miranda."

"Exactly."

"They made Reavers."

"They did. You have other stuff locked away up there too."

"I do?"

"They're on their way back."

"I don't want to go back."

"I know you don't. Just hang in there. They'll come for you."

The door opened. She looked at Wash, who was really her, he smiled at her.

"I can't go anywhere. I'm _your_ mind. I'll always be here. Well, until the real me is back with you tangoing."

********

Mal carried the pictures back up to the table. He spread them all out and looked at each one. He was up half the night trying to figure it out.

"River is a genius. I'm not even in the top fifty ruttin' percent…" he muttered to himself. "Pattern, she likes patterns. Every picture has the same things…"

"Hey Mal, what are you doing?" Wash asked him.

"The answer to where she's at is in these pictures. I just can't figure it out."

Wash stood beside him and looked over them all.

"They're good."

"They are," Mal agreed with a sigh. "There's the same three things in every picture. There's a girl on a swing, two men with blue hands, and an autumn tree."

"Yeah. The trees are really good. I love red fall trees. They're so much better than the yellow ones."

Mal looked at him. "What did you say?"

"The trees are really good."

"After that."

"They're so much better than the yellow ones?"

"No _before_ that."

"I love red fall trees?"

"Red fall…" Mal repeated. "Red Falls. That's it! Wash, you're a genius!"

He took off for the bridge. Wash shrugged and followed him. Mal started tapping away on the screen.

"I knew it was near here. Red Falls, that's where she is! Take off and get us there as fast as possible," he got up and grabbed the comm. "Everyone to the kitchen."

He waited as the crew slowly trickled in.

"I know where she is. She's in Red Falls."

"Red Falls?" Simon asked. "I've never heard of it."

"It's a town on Red Rock. The silt there turns all of the water red. In Red Falls there's a big hospital crawlin' with Feds. I just looked it up and it's the perfect place to keep her."

"How'd you figure this out?" Zoe inquired.

"Wash actually gave me the idea. Her drawin's all have red fall trees. When I was with her, she kept talkin' 'bout red things. It fits."

"It's a long shot," Jayne grunted.

"It's also the only lead we have," Shepherd replied.

"I'll look at the schematics and see what plan I can come up with," Simon said on his way out.

Mal nodded and started walking towards the bridge.

"We're on the way, sweetheart…"

********

"She's shutting us out again," the assistant complained as he watched the readings.

"They say that she'll break soon. We just have to keep pushing."

"I don't think that it's safe to put the needles in as far as we are-"

"It's fine, just keep going."

"But-"

"Fine, then _I'll _do it."

The doctor stormed over to the subject and pushed the assistant out of the way.

"Hang in there, River," Wash said quietly in her ear. "This one is going to hurt."

She braced herself and the doctor rammed the needle in further.

_"We can't let this get out," the older man in the suit barked._

_"What do you suggest?" one of the younger men following him down the hallway asked._

_"Everything we've worked for will be in ruins if the public discovers what happened on Miranda. It could give the Independents the fuel they need to win this war. If they get enough public support…" the older man shook his head and pushed the door open to his office furiously._

_He sat down behind the desk and pointed to the door. The other man shut it behind them._

_"What do you need us to do?" one of the men asked._

_"Wipe the records clean. Miranda is now a black rock. No one can know. From this moment on, Miranda never existed. It cannot leave this room."_

_The two men nodded and exited his office. _

_"Do you think that we should really wipe the records clean?" one of them asked._

_"It's our orders."_

_"It doesn't seem right. The 'verse should know about what happened!"_

_"Don't think too much on that. I'll work on rewriting the history of the planet to make it seem uninhabitable. You have to wipe the files clean."_

_They went their separate ways. Her mind followed the man to his office. He sat down behind his desk and started working on the computer. She watched as he copied all of the files and hid them in a secret place in the mainframe. An alarm sounded and the Feds kicked open his door with the older man from before right behind them._

_"You copied top secret files," one of the Feds stated. "That's a federal offense."_

_"I had to. The 'verse has to know about what happened on Miranda."_

_"Shoot him! That's an order!" the older man roared_

_The Feds shot him in between the eyes. Blood dripped across the mahogany desk, drifting towards a picture of a young boy with the name, "Billy" on the wood frame._

River's eyes flew open. "The 'verse has to know," Wash whispered. She nodded in agreement.

********

"We're setting down," Wash announced over the comm.

"Have you had a chance to look over the hospital plans?" Mal asked Simon.

"Yes. There are six floors. I believe that she's on the first."

"What makes you say that?"

"There is a large restricted area that would be perfect to hide someone like River in. I believe that that's our best bet."

"Okay. We'll try to stay under the radar as long as possible, but if violence does ensue I want you to stay back."

"I know how to shoot, Captain."

"Sure you do."

"Why do I feel like you're patronizing me?" Simon frowned.

"'Cause I am."

Zoe walked in with her gun ready. "We've landed."

"Showtime, doc."

They piled into Shuttle 2 and took off for the hospital. Inara and Kaylee stayed with the ship.

"That's the plan," Mal recapped for everyone.

"Alright let's go," Shepherd sighed.

"Puttin' my gorram life on the ruttin' like for a babblin' crazy girl…" Jayne grumbled.

"Jayne, we're in a movin' vehicle—one that I will not hesitate to push you out of—so I'd watch it…" Mal snapped. "If anyone runs into those men in blue gloves, shoot 'em in the head. I have no notion of lettin' them live to see another day. Dong ma?"

Everyone nodded. He loaded his gun with a sigh.

_We're on our way, sweetheart. Hang in there…_

********

"River. River? RIVER!" Wash's voice shouted. She opened her eyes and looked at her hallucination standing beside the chair. "You gotta fight now, fly girl. Your dashing Browncoat in suspenders is here to save you."

_(Dong ma- do you understand)_


	16. Four Chapter 4

_Chapter 4-__ Home again  
__Summary:__ The rescue _

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She knew that he was right. They were there. She could feel him. It was time to break out.

The restraints would be a mite tricky to get out of. She started to wiggle her hand out of the metal wrist cuff. She pulled her arm back as hard as she could. The cold steel bit into her flesh. She ignored the pain and the hot blood dripping across her skin.

Her hand broke free. The doctor glanced back at her.

"SHE'S BREAKING OUT!" he bellowed as he darted over to her.

She gripped the end of one of the needles in her head and pulled it out quickly. She held it out and pushed it into the doctor's jugular just as he arrived at her side.

She was able to get one of her legs free. Her boot connected with the needle sticking out of his jugular, shoving it all of the way through. He stumbled back clutching his throat and gasping for air.

She shakily undid the other restraints and stood. Her leg buckled underneath her bodyweight. She must have twisted something, but she didn't have time to let it slow her down. She made her way over to the dying doctor to finish the job off.

The assistant returned with a new tray of needles. He dropped it when he saw River standing over the doctor. She broke his neck and then looked up at him. She swiftly moved to the door and locked it from the inside.

"I was just doing my job…" he stuttered nervously.

Despite the injuries and the needles in her head, she gracefully walked towards him with death in her eyes.

"P-Please…I was just doing what I was told…"

"And I was just a girl…" she whispered. He cringed at the danger in her voice.

He backed into a wall. She slowly pulled another needle out of her forehead. He was horrified by the sight. The blood from the wound trickled down her pale skin.

"Please…River…" he choked.

She shoved the needle into his head. He screamed. She stepped over him and moved to the computer. In one final push, the assistant reached up and hit the alarm. He hit the ground and the life drained from his body.

"Hello, this is your subconscious speaking. There are bad guys on the way and your family is here to save you. It's time to _go now_," Wash's voice called from behind her.

"The 'verse has to know," she snapped.

There was a crash outside of the door. She darted to the door and rewired the door to keep it shut for a little while longer.

She hobbled back over to the computer and got to work.

********

"Are we goin' the right way?" Jayne growled.

"Yes, it's up ahead…" Simon nodded as he consulted the encyclopedia.

"I'd say we're on the right track," Shepherd gestured to the group of Feds hanging around a door with the Chinese characters for, "Restricted Area."

"Sir?" Zoe asked.

"Simon?" Mal asked.

"That's it. It's well guard-"

Jayne, Mal, and Zoe had already started taking out the Feds.

"Do we have our clearance?" Shepherd asked.

Mal pulled the clearance card off of one of the dead bodies and handed it to Wash to scan.

"We do now."

Jayne took one door and he took the other. They kicked them in and started spraying the hallway with bullets.

"HOLD IT! HOLD IT!" Mal shouted over the gunfire. They had taken them all down. He walked over to one of the still-but-barely-alive men. He grabbed him by the vest. "Where's River Tam?"

"The lab. Fifth door on your left…" he coughed.

"Thanks. For that, I won't kill you."

Jayne shot him. Mal glared at him. "You said that_ you _wouldn't. You didn't speak for me!"

"Let's just get goin'…" Zoe sighed.

They walked down the hallway together. A group of Feds was desperately trying to break into the fifth door on the left. There was a screechy alarm howling in the background along with shouting from the two men in charge. Mal recognized them right off.

"I'm goin' after the blue hands. Get her out," he ordered.

"Sir," Zoe nodded.

The gunfight began and Mal chased the blue hands down the hall. They could get River out, but the blue hands would still chase her. Besides, he had a score to settle.

********

"Hurry hurry hurry! We're here! Simon, Jayne, Shepherd, Zoe, and the real me! Right out there!" Wash cried.

"Not ready," River hissed.

She was busy hacking the federal mainframe cortex to find the Miranda files. She saw that he hid the file folder within a folder between the data code. She finally found the right folder and started a code to separate the data. She inserted a data stick into the hard drive to copy the information. A window popped up.

"Password please."

Gunfire echoed in the hallway. She ignored it and continued to work. The name dripped off of her tongue, "Billy."

She typed the name in and was granted access. The files popped up all over the screen. She copied them to the data stick and pulled it out of the computer. The annoying pangs of pain that she had been ignoring finally got to her. She pulled the rest of the needles out of her head with trembling hands.

"They've won. Time to go, River…" the subconscious version of Wash told her.

She limped to the door and opened it.

Jayne had just shot the last Fed.

"River!" Simon cried as he rushed to her side.

"Simon…" she said weakly.

He wiped some of the blood away from her forehead before it ran into her eyes. She grabbed the real Wash by his shirt and put the data stick into his hand.

"Send this to Mr. Universe. Tell him to send it to everyone he can. The 'verse has to know…promise me you will."

"I promise," Wash nodded.

"Time to go home," she gave them a small smile and then passed out. Simon picked her up and they started to leave.

"Where's the captain?" Shepherd asked.

"Hopefully takin' out the trash," Zoe replied.

********

"Excuse me, but I believe that you've been doggin' one of my crew for awhile now…" Mal called to the two blue hands.

They stopped and turned around to face him.

"You're gonna leave my crew alone from this point on," he added.

"She belongs to us, Captain Reynolds."

"She's a danger to society. Only we know how to use her."

"She ain't an object to be used or owned."

"She is ours and there's nothing you can-"

He shot the one talking in the head. "Don't got armor on your head apparently."

The other one pulled a stick out of his pocket. Mal shook his head and shot the other one.

He walked over to the bodies and kicked them to make sure that they were really dead.

"SIR!" he heard Zoe call.

He ran towards the direction the shouting came from, missing the slight movement of the blue hands' chests that resembled breathing.

********

He met up with Zoe and Shepherd and they ran out into the shuttle to make their getaway.

River looked pretty rough. She was bleeding from everywhere and as white as a ghost. Simon carried her down to the infirmary the second they got back on the ship.

"Mal, I need you to come with us…" Wash called.

He looked at the path Simon had just taken and then at his pilot and first mate. He figured that Simon could take care of River, so he went with them onto the bridge.

They took off through the atmo. Wash looked at the data on the stick.

"Tianya!" Wash cried. "Reavers…they _made them_!"

********

River sat up with a jolt. Simon rushed to her side and pulled her into his arms.

"It's okay mei mei. You're home now."

She hugged him back and took in the surroundings.

"You found me."

"We did. River, are you alright? Mentally?"

"I will be."

"What did they do?"

"Tried to work with me again, but I was different."

"Different?"

"Stronger. I could block them out. Fought back this time. Didn't let them win. I'm not a broken toy anymore."

He smiled at her. "How did you become so strong?"

"I have my moments."

"What did you give to Wash?"

"The secret. They feared I knew and I did. Miranda."

"Miranda?"

"Reavers…the Alliance made them."

"What?"

"Ask the blonde. He saw the files."

"Alright. You should get some rest."

"In my room?"

"Yes. In your room."

********

"I can't believe it," Inara gaped after Wash announced what River had uncovered.

"I know. Mr. Universe has sent it out to everyone. The Alliance is gonna have a lot to answer to," Wash sighed.

Everyone had gathered around for dinner with the exceptions of Mal and River. River was still resting and Mal was changing.

"Look who decided to join us," Shepherd smiled kindly when River limped in.

"Mei mei, you should be resting!" Simon exclaimed. He went to stand, but Kaylee pushed him back down.

"I want to be with you tonight," River said softly.

She went from person to person, hugging them gently. Jayne jumped when the crazy girl's arms looped around him. She hugged Wash and gave him a little peck on the cheek.

"Thank you."

"For what?" he asked.

"Keeping me company."

He looked at her curiously, but just smiled.

Mal walked in just as she let go of Wash. She caught his eye and walked over to him with her heart pounding in her chest.

He stood there as her little arms snaked around him and she set her head on his chest. He cautiously put his arms around her.

**"Told you he'd hold you again."**

River smiled, taking in the soothing sound of his heartbeat. She was home again.

_(Tianya- Heavens/oh my goodness)_

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	17. Part five Chapter 1

**Part five  
**_Summary:__ She needs him, he needs her_

********

_Chapter 1-__ One time  
__Summary:__ If his crew needs him, he's there_

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She listened to Serenity breathe while she stargazed on the bridge. She shut her eyes and took in the creaking and groaning of the metal walls around her. Her room was too lonely. She didn't come home just to be alone again. A grin crept across her face when she felt him walking up the steps.

"What are you doin' up?" Mal asked sleepily as he sank onto the pilot's chair.

"Couldn't sleep. I didn't want to be alone…"

He looked over at her with a lump rising in his throat. _If any of my crew needs me, I'm there._

She looked at him with big pleading eyes, the question swirling silently beneath them.

"Okay. I'll stay with you, but just for tonight. Do we have an understandin'?"

Her heart stopped. "Yes Captain."

"Let's get you to your room then."

They wandered down to her room. She frowned when he took a blanket and settled down on the floor beside the bed. He was too tired to notice.

"G'night River."

"Goodnight Captain."

She turned the light off and shut her eyes.

_"They won't find you."_

_"We've missed working with you."_

_"Deeper."_

_"I was just doing my job."_

She sat up with a scream. Her entire body was trembling. Mal jolted away and scrambled to her side.

"River-"

She fell into his arms, desperately attempting to push the memories away. He held her close, soothingly rubbing her back.

"You're home now," he murmured into her hair. "It's okay, sweetheart."

She nuzzled into his neck, inhaling his scent. "Don't make me sleep again. Don't want to be back there. I want to stay here…" she paused, unable to decide if she should take it any further. "…with you."

"You don't have to sleep."

"Will you stay up with me?"

He looked at the little witch's eyes and gave in. "Yes."

He leaned against the bulkhead with her still in his arms and on his lap. She readjusted so she could be holding onto him too.

He looked at the tiny holes all over her forehead and got a sick feeling in his gut.

"What the hell did they do to you?" he whispered, lightly running his thumb over one of the holes in her temple.

She winced when he touched the wound, recalling the needle that was once placed there.

"Sorry…you don't have to talk 'bout it…" he amended quietly.

She shook her head no and took a shaky breath. "Took needles and put them in my head. Tried to make me their weapon. Their toy. I wouldn't let them. I'm not as broken as before. They said no one would ever find me. Said I'd break. I knew you found me. I broke out and I-I killed them. Needle to the throat. Needle to the head. Crack. Blood everywhere…"

He felt her tears pouring down his neck. His arms tightened around her and he set his chin on the top of her head.

"You did what you had to do. You're home now and they're gone."

She heard his voice rumble in his chest. A flash of the dead blue hands crossed from his mind to hers.

"You killed them?" River asked.

"They won't be botherin' you anymore."

She held onto the front of his shirt with one hand, shielding herself with the other. Her eyes closed and she listened to his breathing. In and out. In and out. Up and down. Up and down.

They didn't talk, but they didn't sleep either. He'd occasionally run his hand down her shivering arms to try to ease her painful memories or the chills that gripped her. He would have reached for the sheets, a blanket, _something_, but neither one of them wanted to move an inch.

For the first time since she got back on the ship, she felt like she was truly home. He was more than glad that she was safe, but he wouldn't say it. He wasn't like that. She could see right through him. His actions spoke louder than words.

"I should get goin'," he sighed when he checked the time.

"Thank you for staying, Captain."

"It was just this once."

"I know. Thanks again."

She pressed a quick kiss to his check before he left. He nodded to her before slipping out of her room. He felt like fire had surged down his face from her soft lips. He shook his head and walked away.

********

The day had been uneventful. They were on their way out of the system to look for some work. River spent the day with Simon and Kaylee and Mal spent the day working.

He was in his bunk that night lying awake. Something was missing. He punched his pillow and readjusted. The room felt empty. Cold. Lifeless. He sighed and stood up. After slipping a shirt on, he went up his ladder. Honestly he wasn't sure where his feet were taking him until he was standing outside of her room.

She hadn't been able to get to sleep either for the same reasons. When she felt him outside of her door, she smiled to herself and then faked a little scream so he'd just come in already. He had been standing there for at least five minutes just listening in.

The door opened and he bolted in, sinking beside her on her bed.

"Couldn't sleep," she mumbled.

"Me either. Nightmares?"

"Bad memories."

He put his arms around her, tucking her between his side and under his chin.

"Try to get some sleep, darlin'."

"I thought that you said you'd only stay for one night."

"Yeah well, this is the last time."

She grinned. He liked staying with her as much as she liked being with him. He just didn't know it yet.

Simon opened the door the next morning to find his mei mei wrapped around the captain. They were intertwined and sleeping soundly. They didn't even move when he called to them.

"What's goin' on?" Kaylee asked. He pointed to them. She grinned.

"Let them sleep in, honey. They're too cute to wake up…" she silently slid the door shut.

"What is he doing in there with her in the first place?" Simon asked.

"Shhh, don't wake them!" she whispered.

"Do you think that they……you know?"

"Cap'in is a gentleman. He wouldn't do nothin' 'less they were together."

"Do you think that they are?"

"Let's go get some breakfast…"

"Is that a yes?"

She started walking away.

"Kaylee, is that a yes? _Kaylee_!" he asked as he chased after her.

********

River opened her eyes and looked up at Mal. She smiled and moved into a more comfortable position so she could watch him sleep. Her movement was enough to wake him up.

"Mornin' little one," he yawned.

"Good morning."

"I should get goin'. That was-"

"The last time, I know."

He nodded and rolled out of bed. She smiled after he left. He'd be back.

********

She heard the soft padding of his feet down the steps that night. She slipped out of bed and slid the door open. He leapt when he saw her.

"I didn't mean to startle you, Captain."

"No it's okay. I couldn't sleep and I was just…walkin' around…" he fumbled.

"I can't sleep either."

"Do you…you know…need me to…do you need…how 'bout some tea?"

She smirked. He could be so awkward. "Sure. Tea would be nice."

They walked up to the kitchen and had a few cups of tea in silence.

"We should…it's late," he said quietly.

"It is. I should get some sleep."

"Yeah. Me too."

"Can you walk me to my room?"

"Yeah sure."

He walked her down to her room and hovered in the doorway.

"If you…I could…if you needed me to…just in case…nightmares or…" he offered. She smiled and pulled the blanket back. He climbed in beside her.

"G'night sweetheart."

"Goodnight Captain."

"By the way this is-"

"The last time. I know."

"Right."

She cuddled up against his side with a smile. That couldn't be the last time. She wouldn't let it be.


	18. Five Chapter 2

_Chapter 2-__ More to it  
__Summary:__ They don't understand when she became his concern_

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"Not again," Simon sighed when he found River wrapped around Mal the next morning. "Cap-"

Kaylee came up from behind him and put a hand over his mouth. "Let them sleep," she whispered in his ear.

He shut the door and turned to her with a huff. "I want to know what he's been doing sleeping with my sister."

"He ain't sleepin' with her! They were both dressed and their hair wasn't messed up and the sheets were still neatly on the bed. Unless they's the conservative type in bed which I doubt…"

"I'm going to ask Mal about-"

"No! No! NO! You're gonna scare him off 'fore anything can even begin! She just got back from somethin' awful 'n if havin' him there helps, let it be! Don't take that away! Let's just look the other way for now."

He went to argue, but she kissed him and he gave in like he always did. She never played fair.

********

_"Once she realizes she'll never see her brother or Captain Reynolds ever again, she will be ours once again."_

_"They won't find you."_

_"The sooner you accept it, the better."_

_"You won't even remember his name."_

She sat up suddenly. His name dripped off of her tongue in a hushed whisper, "Malcolm Reynolds."

Mal heard his name shortly after she sat up. "River?"

"They said that I'd forget your name, that you wouldn't find me…" she choked. "I was alone and scared and they were hurting me and-"

He put an arm around her and she snuggled into his chest.

"They're gone."

She nodded.

"It's time to get up. Let's go 'fore Jayne eats everything."

They arrived at the table together. Everyone—with the exception of Jayne—picked up on that fact, but no one dared broach the subject. Not yet, anyway.

********

"There you are," Simon sighed. River looked up from her book.

"I'm on my way to my room. Just had another lesson with the blonde. He gave me a book on piloting."

"That's nice. It's time for your medicine-"

"No."

"But-"

"I've gone days without it and I'm fine!"

"It was probably still in your system. I need to give you a few other things to flush the medications they gave you out of-"

"No!"

"It's just a quick shot."

Her eyes drifted to the needle in his hand. She dropped the book and slid down the bulkhead shaking all over.

Simon started walking towards her muttering the usual things that calmed her down.

"NO!" she screamed a bit louder than she meant to. "GET AWAY!"

"But mei mei-"

"What the hell are you doin'?" Mal growled from the steps. He quickly made his way over to her. He heard her screams, but he conjured that everyone in the 'verse heard her.

She automatically reached for him and he gathered her into his arms.

"What seems to be the trouble?" he murmured tenderly. He followed her eyes to the shot in Simon's hand.

"Gorramit doc!"

"What?" Simon asked.

"You want to stick her with ruttin' needles after what they did to her?"

"I don't know what they did!"

"Put that thing away. From now on, no stickin' her with needles unless you absolutely have to!"

"I…" he trailed off and put the shot in his pocket, defeated. "Fine, but I need to run a few tests to make sure that what they did to her didn't leave any lasting effects."

River looked at the infirmary fearfully. "No."

"It's alright. Just step into the infirmary-"

"_**No**_! Locked down can't move. Deeper and deeper. Can't let them in!" she shouted. The infirmary was too similar to the room in Red Falls.

"She seems perfectly fine to me. If somethin' was wrong, that'd be another story," Mal replied.

"It's only a two minute scan, if that!"

"No! Deeper in the brainpan…kept going and going…trying to make me theirs…" she choked.

"No infirmary, doc. Not unless she needs it," Mal snapped while attempting to calm her down.

"Don't make me go in there. Please Simon," River begged.

"Fine mei mei. Not today."

"Thank you."

She slipped out of Mal's arms towards her room. He nodded to her and then turned his attention to Simon.

"I need to speak with you about this further, Captain. I can't allow you to make decisions about my _sister_'s health!"

"It's still soon after what they did to her. She needs to be a bit more stable before you start remindin' her of what happened. I'm not sayin' no infirmary forever, just for right now."

"I don't understand at which point she became your concern."

"She's my crew."

"I-"

"Listen up 'cause I got no notion of repeatin' myself," he growled as he stepped into his personal space. "The infirmary and anything about or in it are not to be anywhere near her 'til she's a bit more stable."

"I'm the judge of when she's stable or not. I'm the doctor here, not you."

"You best watch that mouth of yours 'cause it keeps runnin' and I don't much care for the words comin' out of it."

"What exactly have you been doing in her room at night?"

"She has nightmares and she don't like bein' alone. I'm just steppin' in until she's okay."

"Are you sure that's all it is?"

He punched him in the mouth. Simon staggered back clutching his nosebleed. Mal shrugged. "Told you to watch your mouth."

********

"Mal," Inara called when she ran into him in the corridor.

"We'll be settin' down in a few."

"No that's not what it's about."

"What seems to be the trouble?" he asked.

"River, actually. How is she?"

"I conjure that it'll take awhile before everything is somewhat shiny again."

"I was just wondering what is going on between the two of you."

He folded his arms. He had just had the same conversation with Simon. Granted he responded with a closed fist rather than using his words…

"Nothin'."

"Kaylee said that you've been in her room for the last few mornings."

"I'm just keepin' her company. She's havin' nightmares and things of the like. Bein' alone is a mite scary for her right now."

"That's all?"

He chuckled dryly. "Yeah it is. What is this really about?"

"I don't think that you should be there like you are. You are probably giving her the wrong idea."

"She needs me."

"Or do you need her?"

"What?"

"I've seen the way you've been acting. You're always there to comfort her. When you speak to her, your tone softens and it's as if no one else is in the room. I think that there's more to it than you think there is."

"I can't believe I'm hearin' this."

"You would never act the way you are towards anyone else. Not Zoe, not Kaylee, and not even me."

"If I didn't know better I'd say that this is more 'bout us than me 'n her."

"Perhaps it is! You asked me to stay and I did. Nothing has changed! If anything I've seen less of you than before because she always 'needs' you."

"She does!"

"That's where you're wrong! I think that you've gotten used to being the hero—_her hero_—to the point that you're creating situations to swoop in and save her."

"That ain't true."

"It is." She paused. "I'm thinking about leaving. For real this time."

"Just run like you always do."

"I resent that!"

"That's what you always do! You ran from Sihnon and you ran from us."

"You're the one that ran."

"I wanted you!"

"Maybe you did at some point, but now she's the one you want."

"You're wrong."

"You're in denial."

"You know that it's you that I…" he trailed off.

"You can't even say it. You can't say that you love me because you don't. You can't love me. I'm a whore, remember?"

He didn't answer. He couldn't. There was nothing to say.

"Don't push her away. You'll lose her if you do."

"I got crime to go commit."

He stormed off to the cargo bay.

********

Inara was wrong. He was convinced. It was just crazy that he'd _need_ River. She needed him and he was there for her. That was all.

"Sir?" Zoe asked.

"Hm?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You don't look like you're focused on the job."

"Just thinkin'."

They reached their rendezvous point and started unloading the cargo.

"I'm not worried 'bout this one. I've known him for a long time," Mal sighed.

Their contacts became visible on the distant horizon. When they got closer, Mal noticed that his old friend wasn't with them.

They got off of their horses and sauntered over to them.

"Where's Stan?" Mal asked.

"We had a…disagreement…" the leader of the group responded.

"Oh. Well, let's get to talkin' payme-"

He was nose to nose with the barrel of a revolver.

"You ain't for talkin' are you?" Mal sighed.

"Nope."

"This ain't my day…"

********

"Find anything helpful in that book I gave you?" Wash asked.

"Yes," River smiled.

"That's good."

**-Bang-**

She gasped and scrambled to her feet and to the radio.

"River?" Wash asked.

"Simon, get back now!" she shouted. He was out getting parts with Kaylee.

"What happened?" he responded.

"The captain has been shot."


	19. Five Chapter 3

_Chapter 3-__ Maybe  
__Summary:__ Some things have no explanation _

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Simon and Kaylee arrived in the cargo bay just as the mule sped in.

"What do we have?" Simon asked.

"He was gut shot," Zoe responded as she helped Jayne support Mal's weight.

"Again," Mal added hoarsely.

"He's bled a lot," Jayne grumbled. Mal wasn't the lightest cargo to lug from place to place.

They got him into the infirmary and up onto the table. Simon examined the wound. Mal had already blacked out from the blood loss.

"The bullet is still inside. I think that it might have hit something vital. I have to operate before he loses any more blood."

"I'll give you hand," Zoe offered. Simon nodded and Jayne and Kaylee left.

Wash and River arrived panting.

"Mal?" Wash asked.

"Gut shot," Jayne replied.

"Simon has to operate," Kaylee frowned. She was close to tears.

Shepherd and Inara got the news and joined everyone outside of the infirmary.

The doors flew open and Zoe ran out covered in blood. "Wash, get in here!"

Wash patted River on the shoulder briefly and joined them in the infirmary.

"What was that 'bout?" Kaylee squeaked nervously.

"He needs blood," River explained.

"How is he doing? Do we know?" Inara asked.

Everyone looked at the young reader curled up on the couch playing with her hair. She shook her head gravely, blinking back tears. Kaylee finally broke down and started to cry. Inara comforted her as best as she could. She wasn't feeling great either. Her last conversation with him wasn't the most pleasant in the 'verse.

River picked up on the conversation from Inara's fearful thoughts. _Wrong. I do need him._

Shepherd sat beside River and took her hand, seeing how upset she looked. "It'll be alright."

"He listens, but He doesn't always agree."

"Who? The captain?"

"God. You can pray, but He doesn't always say yes."

"We just have to hope that He will."

"Broken book teaches a wrathful God."

"And a loving God."

"Contradictions. Either He is or isn't."

"He can be both. We just have to believe that He's in a good mood."

"I believe in Simon. He can save him. He's saved people before."

"So has God."

"Not in a literal sense."

"There are miracles."

She gave him a skeptical look.

"Haven't you ever seen or felt something that can't be proven or explained by math or science?"

She thought about it and the first thing that came to her mind was Mal. She couldn't explain how he calmed her down or how he made her feel the way he did.

Shepherd smiled at her. He could tell by the look on her face that she had. "Some things in life have no explanation and that _is_ the explanation."

He patted her hand and got up to go talk to Jayne.

She thought about what he said. His words sunk in deeper than she thought they would. Maybe he was right. Maybe some things had no explanation.

After an hour, Simon emerged with a bloody apron looking exhausted. "He's alright. He'll be fine after a few days. The bullet hit a few vital organs, but I was able to extract the fragments and repair the damage. He's stable for now. No visitors just yet."

The whole room relaxed at the news. Shepherd was on his way to his room when River stopped him.

"He must have been in a good mood."

"That or your brother is quite the skilled surgeon."

"Maybe it's both."

He chuckled and continued on his way.

********

Mal woke up a few hours later to Wash and Zoe whispering quietly on one side and Simon checking his vital signs on the other. Kaylee bounced in later with her infectious sunny disposition to say hello and drag Simon up to dinner. Shepherd brought Mal a tray and sat with him for a bit. Inara and Jayne even stopped by for a moment or two.

He knew that he shouldn't be offended or bothered by the fact that River didn't stop in. She hated the infirmary. Still, he held onto a tiny sliver of hope that she might show up.

"You'll have to stay here for tonight. You should be able to go back to your bunk or one of the passenger dorms tomorrow," Simon handed him a blanket and rechecked his condition. He wasn't completely comfortable leaving him alone.

"I'm fine. Just get goin' already," Mal smirked. He knew that Kaylee would be waiting.

"Call if you need anything," he put a comm. on a tray by the bed before leaving.

Maybe it was the infirmary, but he felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness. It was cold, both literally and figuratively. It was all sorts of uncomfortable. He credited that mostly to the fact that a bullet had gone through his gut, but he digresses.

He started to worry about River. What if she woke up with a nightmare? What if she needed him and he wasn't there? Eventually he pushed the questions away, shut his eyes, and attempted to sleep.

He felt a shift on one side of the bed and a sudden rush of warmth tug at him. His eyes opened slowly and he saw a blurry silhouette that he pieced together as River.

"Riv-"

"Sh!" she snapped.

"What are you…" he paused as she spread out beside him, carefully draping her arm across his shoulders. "…doin'…" she readjusted his head so it was resting on her shoulder. "…here? You hate this room."

"I do, but you're hurt."

"But the memories and nightmares-"

"You've been shot, Captain. You need to sleep. So stop talking and _rest_."

He didn't argue. Instead he shut his eyes and listened to her.

He couldn't help feeling like there was a role reversal. Normally he was the one holding _her_. The one comforting _her_. The one helping _her_ fall asleep. The tables had turned and he was wrapped in a blanket named River Tam that chased away all of the cold empty discomfort from before, replacing it with the strangest feeling in the 'verse: home. The gorram girl felt like home and he couldn't explain why.

********

Simon was always surprised at the captain's resilience to bullet wounds. He was up and walking around the next morning with ease, taking the steps two or three at a time without showing even the slightest bit of difficulty.

One thing that caught everyone's attention was the sudden attachment that had formed between their youngest passenger and the captain. Wherever River went, Mal wasn't far behind and vice versa. Simon wasn't sure if she was the one following the captain or if he was the one following her. All he knew is that they were almost always together.

She still spent a good deal of time on the bridge with Wash learning to fly and teaching him new dance moves, but other than that she was almost always with Mal.

If he was working in the cargo bay, she'd be on the catwalk waiting until he finished. If she was at the table reading, he'd be across from her doing paperwork or cleaning his guns.

He was sitting there one day reviewing the ship's papers alone. He felt like something was missing like a piece of the puzzle wasn't there. It was a strange feeling. He always felt like he had everything, but then it changed. He couldn't put his finger on it.

"Captain," River grinned as she glided into the kitchen. She sat on the edge of the table right beside his paperwork, setting her feet on the seat of the chair.

"Hey there little one. How was your lesson?"

"Blonde let me fly."

"Well we didn't fall outta the sky, so you did somethin' right."

She smirked and looked at the papers. "Working?"

"I am."

She got up and walked away. He frowned. She returned with a book and sat across from him. He broke out into a smile. It was strange how it felt like the pieces were back in place. He thought about it for a moment. He first felt like something was missing when River was gone and when she came home it went away. It still happened. Maybe it was a coincidence. His heart stopped when the second half of the statement fluttered across his thoughts. _Maybe it wasn't._


	20. Five Chapter 4

_Chapter 4-__ Just  
__Summary:__ He accepts it just when it's time to go_

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Kaylee was under the consol messing with the wires. It was the fourth time she had to be up there that month. She didn't mind it. It gave her time to gossip with Wash. Surprisingly, Wash was a lot of fun to discuss the crew with. She used to chat with Inara, but since the topic made Inara all manner of pouty and upset, she brought it up with Wash. He was the only one that agreed with her.

"Is he still sleeping in her room?" Wash asked.

"Not for the last few nights. Simon's found 'em sleepin' on the couch side by side. Has she said anythin' to you when you're teachin' her?"

"I've asked, but she won't say much."

"What does she say?"

"That she doesn't have 'those feelings' for anyone."

Kaylee laughed. "She blushes though, don't she?"

"How'd you know?"

"She's like Simon like that. I've asked her 'bout him and she gets tongue tied 'n blushin'. It's so adorable. They were made for each other I don't care what 'Nara or Simon says."

"I know. I called them cute once and Inara got upset, but ended up agreeing with me."

"They're real shiny. I wish he'd just make his move already!"

"This is _Mal_. He liked Inara for years and never got past slight flirtation."

"We gotta nudge him in the right direction then."

"Why are you so gung-ho about this?"

"We can go double datin'! Or triple if'n you 'n Zoe wanna go! It'll be so much fun out dancin' with 'em and havin' a good ol' time…"

"Good luck with that. I don't think he'll ever let himself be with River. He's twice her age."

"Out here it don't matter how many years young you are. It just matters if you can find somebody that makes you happy and you've seen how much they's been smilin' since they've been spendin' time with each other! She hasn't had a moment in a month!"

"All true, but he's a tough one, Kaylee."

"And she ain't? If anyone can get to him, she can. She can see right through 'im!"

"She'll have to be the one fueling things if they're gonna work out."

"They are. I just know it."

********

"Now what?"

"Just keep stirring that."

"I've been stirrin' it for ten minutes!"

"And it's still lumpy!"

He huffed, but continued stirring the concoction.

"Have you seen the box of tomatoes Shepherd brought back from the market?" she asked.

"You put it beside the sink."

"It isn't there. Did you move it?"

"No."

"You had to have moved it. I put it _right there_!"

"I didn't move it."

She found it beside him. She opened it and held one of the tomatoes up with an amused smirk. "Why is there bite marks in this tomato?"

"I have no idea. Maybe Shepherd took a bite on the way home…"

"Right…you have something on the corner of your mouth…" she reached out and wiped some of the tomato juice off of his face with her thumb.

"How'd that get there?" he asked innocently.

She laughed and resumed the meal preparations. He grinned. Making her laugh was one of his favorite things to do next to making her smile.

"Captain," she said in that _"I have a thought"_ voice.

"Yes, darlin'?"

"How can you eat tomatoes raw like that?"

He chuckled. "I just do."

"You're not quite right."

He looked back at her like, "_Look who's talkin'." _

She tossed a carrot at him. It hit him in the shoulder.

"Hey!"

She laughed again. "Your fault…"

They finished up making dinner and then joined everyone at the table. After dinner, Mal got up and started making a pot of tea. It had become almost a nightly ritual. They'd sit on the couch with the tea until they ran out or fell asleep, which ever came first.

He was on what felt his hundredth cup of tea when she fell asleep. He checked the time. Thirteen past midnight. He covered her up with a blanket, brushing some of her hair out of her face so she could breathe. He had to decide. Move her to her room and risk waking her or leave her be. He chose the latter, settling down against the other side of the couch.

He had to wonder why he was staying. She rarely had nightmares anymore, she was stable, and he always woke up with an aching neck if he slept on the couch. He hadn't slept in his bunk in over a month. He hadn't even attempted to. It was obvious that she didn't need him like she once did, yet he stayed which led him to the conclusion that things had shifted. He had to accept it. Inara was right. He needed her, not the other way around.

His eyes stayed on her sleeping form for a moment. Her breathing was quicker than it usually was. He paused. _Have I really been watchin' her so much that I can tell what's normal for her breathin' and what isn't? _He shook the thought off and continued to watch her for a moment. He could tell by the expression on her face and the way that she was clutching the blanket that she wasn't dreaming about puppies and rainbows.

_"Are you sure?" the young Alliance officer asked cautiously._

_"We are sure," he hissed._

_"I apologize. I didn't mean to question your authority. I'll encode it right away."_

_"Right away isn't good enough."_

_"We want it to be done yesterday," the other man picked up where he left off flawlessly._

_"I'm sorry. There was-" the officer attempted._

_"No excuses! She is very important to us."_

_"She has leaked top secret information to the general public and they have __**not**__ responded well."_

_"There is no telling what she knows."_

_"We know what she is capable of, and she must be eliminated once and for all."_

_The Alliance officer took in what the two men said, pausing to straighten his uniform. _

_"But you," one of the men growled, venom dripping of each word. "You are unaware of what __**we**__ are capable of."_

_He swallowed hard. He heard stories, but he never believed them. Somehow seeing how calm and collected they were discussing such awful things made him change his mind._

_"I will have it done within the hour."_

_"You have fifteen minutes to encode and broadcast it."_

_"If you don't, you will have to atone for your shortcomings." _

_"It will be-"_

_The wave was cut and he was left standing in the Alliance cruiser. He sprinted to the nearest computer, shoving the attendant aside._

_"What was that for?" he asked angrily._

_"I have fifteen minutes to encode the subliminal and broadcast it onto every screen in every system."_

_"What for?"_

_"To locate and bring the fugitive River Tam to justice."_

She jolted awake. Mal had been waiting to see if she would wake up or not. He practically sprang into action. He was kneeling beside her, hand rubbing her back soothingly, eyes locked on hers.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly.

She nodded tiredly. "Just a nightmare."

She sat up slowly and he sat next to her worriedly. He was convinced that he jinxed her. She hadn't had a nightmare in a long time and the second he pointed it out, she had one.

"There is no such thing as a jinx," she muttered.

"It's just a mite coincidental, don't you think?"

"It was only a nightmare, Captain. No memories or visions. Just a nightmare."

"Really?"

"I dreamed something that can't be possible."

She curled up in his lap and shut her eyes. He automatically started gently stroking her silky hair.

"You killed them. They can't be alive. I'm safe now."

"I did. They can't. And you are."

She giggled. "Goodnight Captain."

"G'night River."

**"She must be eliminated once and for all."**

She opened her eyes and sat up. Mal looked at her curiously.

"What's wrong?"

She was busy watching Wash push the younger version of herself on the swing. They stopped and turned towards her.

**"They aren't like us you know,"** Wash commented. **"They beat him before, what makes you think that they could be killed so easily?" **

She turned to Mal. "How'd you kill them?"

"I shot them in the head."

Her younger self giggled. **"Just a bullet in the brain can't end **_**them**_**.****"**

"Sweetheart?" Mal asked.

**"Time to go, River…" **

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	21. Part six Chapter 1

**Part six  
**_Summary:__ They'll never stop. They'll just keep coming and coming until they get what you took…_

********

_Chapter 1-__ Triggered  
__Summary:__ Just when everything was shiny again…_

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"I don't much like how you're keepin' this from me," he snapped, folding his arms and straightening up to his full height.

"Intimidation doesn't work with me," she muttered without looking up from her paperwork.

"I'm not tryin' to intimidate you. I'm just a mite angry that you have somethin' you won't tell me."

"I don't have to tell you everything."

"No, you don't. It's just a courtesy, 'specially if somethin' is about to go pear-shaped!"

"It was just a nightmare."

"You keep sayin' it's nothin' when you are obviously bothered by it. I have the right to know if there's trouble up ahead!"

"There isn't, so I don't have to say anything. You're just perturbed because for the first time I won't talk to you."

"…that ain't it…"

"Yes, it is."

He huffed. Sometimes he hated her mind reading abilities. "I just think that I should know."

She paused and looked up from her papers for the first time since he stormed into the kitchen. She saw it swirling in his gorgeous blue eyes. He was worried about her.

"Find somethin' interestin' about my face, little one?"

She reached out and put her hand on his folded forearm. "I'm fine, Captain."

His eyes shifted down to her hand, which she quickly withdrew and returned to sorting the various notes and papers spread out on the table.

"Enough of that," he said, gesturing to her frantic sorting and resorting.

"I have to organize these notes so that-"

He took the stack of papers from her. She reached for them and he easily maneuvered them out of her reach.

"Captain-"

"Nope. Get up and get a coat. We have things to do and places to go. There's no time for your freakish obsessive perfectionistism!"

"Simon doesn't want me leaving the ship."

"He won't mind."

"He will."

"I told Kaylee to twist his arm until he don't."

"The stores will still be there in thirty minutes."

"So will the gorram papers darlin'. Come on."

He purposely messed them up and ignored the little sound of protest she made. She glared with a pouty frown. He extended a hand to help her up, offering a truce. She accepted it and they left for the cargo bay.

********

Newhope was a bright place. Something about it reminded him of Kaylee. It probably had something to do with the optimistic name and the cheerfulness of the landscape. Vivid blue skies, big puffball clouds, crystalline waters, vibrant green grass. Usually it never failed to put him in a bad mood, but there was something about watching her reactions to it all that made him smile.

Her eyes flickered back and forth between the colorful and crowded streets and the ever brightening sky. Her little black jacket stood out against the reds, blues, greens, and yellows that everyone else seemed to be wearing. A breeze rushed by them as a street car zoomed down the road. She turned gracefully on her heel to watch it until it faded from her view with a wide smile.

"Happy to be out 'n about, sweetheart?" he asked amusedly.

"A bird in a cage forgets it has wings. They forget how to fly. Forget the sky and the fluffy clouds. Clouds like cotton balls…" she smirked at him and twirled around. "Sometimes it's more fun to talk in metaphors."

He grinned and quickly pulled her out of the path of kids on bikes. She smiled at him, enjoying the closeness.

"Break it up. We gotta keep movin'. Shops 'round here close early on Sundays," Jayne grunted as he passed them. They had completely forgotten that he and Zoe tagged along.

Mal motioned to River to go first. She nodded and followed Zoe and the merc towards the general store.

A rusty set of bells clanged sharply when Jayne pushed the heavy wooden door open. It wasn't a big store by any means. A few isles of things in the middle, a counter towards the back, and a few tables near the front. There were about five other people milling around with woven baskets buying the supplies they needed.

"I'll go talk to the man about gettin' some food for the ship," Mal sighed as he made his way to the stubby balding man behind the counter.

River walked down the center isle with Jayne, examining the various bottles that were set out on the shelves.

"Hey Zo, they got everything! Whiskey, wine, rice wine, sake, rum, brandy…what do you think I should get?" Jayne called.

"You get drunk no matter what," she deadpanned while looking at the assorted toys. A certain dinosaur had caught her attention, but Wash already had at least ten triceratopses.

River was peering inside a large glass bottle of apple juice trying to determine the number of apples used in its creation when a commercial on the screen in the corner caught her attention.

"Blue Sun presents the Tetra-Terrain Thunder! _Lan Taiyang chengsong Si-Dixing Leisheng! _This new craft can travel across land, water, the sky, and venture into the Black! _Zhe xin hang keyi luyou heng lu, shui, tiankong, yu chuyu zaizhinei Heise!_"

She watched the animation of the craft flying around and something inside snapped. The world around her grew quiet and in a flash, images of her time at the Academy and her return to them played out before her eyes in quick snippets. The two men in blue gloves half smiled at her whispering the words, "We have your mission" and just like that, she was _theirs _again.

"I think I'm gonna go with the Black Bush whiskey…" Jayne decided as he picked up the heavy bottle. He turned around and looked at River.

"Two by two…hands of blue…" she whispered hoarsely.

"What are you moonbrainin' 'bout now?" he grumbled.

She slipped her black coat off and it pooled in a neat puddle around her combat boots and in a single fluid motion, her foot connected harshly with Jayne's face. The whiskey hit the ground, shattering into a billion little pieces. Zoe looked up from across the store with everyone else.

"What the hell?" Jayne roared. He was about to hit her, but she caught his wrist twisting it about until she heard a satisfying _snap_ and a scream.

He brought his other fist up, but she caught it once again. She slammed her head into his. He staggered back from the sudden powerful attack. He slipped on the slick vinyl floor and hit his head on the bottom lip of the shelving unit.

By that time Zoe had crept closer to the fight, gun drawn. She didn't want to shoot River, but if it came to that she would have to. River sensed her and gracefully whipped around, kicking Zoe's hand. Zoe yelped and the gun flew two isles over. River dodged a punch with catlike reflexes and kicked her right below the knee hard enough to bring her to the ground with Jayne.

Zoe saw crimson liquid mixing with the amber alcohol and decided to make her way to the incapacitated mercenary instead of pursuing the girl.

River moved to the nearest customer, taking them out with ease. A male bystander pulled his six-shooter out prepared to end the violence, but she did a cartwheel towards him, took the gun, and shot him in the chest instead.

Mal had been in the back room looking over the food choices haggling for a lower price. When he heard the gunshot echo through the tiny establishment, he took off for the main room with the owner in tow.

When he first saw River sparring with a boy about her age, he assumed that the boy had started it. Then he saw River attack an innocent woman and he realized that it was the other way around.

The store owner pulled a gun out from behind the counter and trained it on River. Mal quickly ran over to him and grabbed his hand, slamming it into the wall and forcing him to drop the gun. He punched his lights out for even attempting to shoot her.

River finally knocked out—or killed, she didn't bother taking their pulse—the last person in the joint. She felt him and desperately tried to stop. Her mission was to eliminate _all _targets, including him. She grabbed a gun off of the floor and spun around, pointing it his chest.

He saw it in her eyes. She was terrified and out of control. He put his hands up in a defensive stance. There was no way that he would shoot her, so he went for the talk-her-down approach.

"River, it's me. Put the gun down."

She didn't move an inch.

"I need you to put that gun down nice 'n easy on the floor. Can you do that for me?"

Again she stayed in place, but he could tell that he was getting to her. He maintained eye contact and took a baby step in her direction.

"It's okay, sweetheart. Take it one step at a time. I'm gonna start walkin' towards you-"

She started to shake and he heard the hammer click into place. He hesitated.

"You gotta stop, darlin'. Please just lower the gun."

He saw her arm drop just a little bit and a tear escape her eyes. He knew that he had to get over to her eventually. Maybe he could grab the gun.

"I'm just gonna try to get to you," he took his gun out and set it on the counter. He started slowly walking towards her and her arm dropped a little more. Just a little bit longer and-

_-Smash-_

River's eyes shut and she dropped to the floor. He rushed towards her, pulling her into his arms. "River? River? Can you hear me?" his voice was on the edge of panic. Her hair was sopping wet, but he couldn't tell if it was blood or not. She smelled like…rum?

Zoe towered over them with a smashed bottle of _Meyers Dark Rum_ in her hand.

"We should get goin', Sir."

_(Lan Taiyang chengsong Si-Dixing Leisheng- Blue Sun presents the four-terrain thunder_

_Zhe xin hang keyi luyou heng lu, shui, tiankong, yu chuyu zaizhinei Heise- this new craft can travel across land, water, the sky, and venture in the Black)_


	22. Six Chapter 2

_Chapter 2-__ What happened?  
__Summary:__ That's the million platinum question…_

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Zoe grabbed Mal's gun and lifted the merc to his feet, hoping that he'd be able to carry some of his own weight. She had lugged men his size across the battlefield before, but she really didn't want to do it again.

Mal carefully lifted River into his arms and followed Zoe out of the store. He tucked her head against his shoulder and neck so he could support her more securely. He pushed back all of the jumbled emotions floating around so he could be in complete command mode once they reached the ship.

"Zoe, get him to the infirmary," he barked the moment their boots hit the ramp. He readjusted River and hit the comm. "Wash, call back Simon and Kaylee. Tell him it's an emergency and he's got two or more people needin' attention."

"Is Zoe okay?"

"I think so."

"What happened?"

"I honestly don't know myself."

He carried River into her room where he checked the back of her head. Luckily he didn't find any blood, but there was a large knot and glass fragments scattered in her dark locks. He brushed them out lightly and covered her up with a blanket. Her pulse was steady and her breathing was normal.

"River? Darlin' can you hear me?" he attempted. She was out cold. Zoe must have hit her pretty hard, which just made him angrier. He'd deal with that later.

"Sir, Jayne's wakin' up!" Zoe called.

He looked down at River. Leaving her alone wasn't a wise idea and he really didn't want to. He carefully scooped her up and walked into the infirmary. Zoe gave him her, _"Uhhh what the hell are you doin', Sir?" _look. He shook his head to tell her to leave it alone.

Jayne stirred with a few cuss words. "Gorramit…" he grumbled sleepily.

"We're back on Serenity," Zoe informed him.

His eyes opened and he surveyed the room. He stopped when he saw Mal sitting on the extra bed with the little crazy girl in his arms.

"DAMNIT MAL! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN' WITH THAT CRAZY KILLER GIRL?" he roared.

"Jayne-" he began angrily.

"Aw hell, we shoulda left her there!" Jayne hissed.

"I wanna know what went down," Mal countered.

"One second I'm talkin' 'bout my whiskey, the next she's moonbrainin' and then she kicked me! I fought back and then I guess I slipped on the whiskey…"

"Moonbrainin'?"

"She was lookin' up at the screen mutterin' that same creepy phrase she's always sayin'. Two by two, hands o' blue…"

Zoe noticed Mal's reaction. "Sir?"

"She had a nightmare last night and she wouldn't talk about it. All she'd say is that it weren't possible. She mentioned them and asked me how I killed 'em. And I did. I know I did, but…" he trailed off and repositioned River in his arms. "She was lookin' at the screen?"

"Yeah," Jayne nodded.

"Did anyone talk to her? Maybe they said somethin' 'n it triggered a moment…"

"No nobody talked to her 'cept me 'n all I did was ask what she was on 'bout."

"This wasn't any moment. This was bad. She probably killed some folk," Zoe sighed.

Simon ran in with Kaylee trailing behind him. He didn't notice River at first. He was too busy checking Jayne's head wound and his swollen wrists. Then he noticed her curled up against Mal.

"What happened to River?" he asked nervously.

"Zoe hit her over the head with a rum bottle," Mal growled.

"WHAT?" Simon bellowed.

"She was armed. I had to!" Zoe defended.

"No you didn't! You should of given me five more minutes and I could of calmed her down!" Mal snapped.

"She had a gun on you and I acted. You would of done the same if it was anyone else."

"She ain't anyone. She's crew."

"That hasn't stopped you from hittin' me or the doc," Jayne commented.

"You'll need a few stitches for the cut in the back of your head and your right wrist is broken, but other than that you're fine…" Simon said to quell the argument. "Anyone else injured?"

Zoe held up her battered hand. Simon looked it over. "It's fractured."

He took care of both of them as quickly as he could without doing a sloppy job. He went over to River and took her pointedly from Mal. He resisted the doc, but eventually gave in.

"How long has she been out?"

"Fifteen, twenty minutes…" Mal estimated.

"I don't see any blood or significant bruising, but there might be internal damage. I need to do a scan. While I do that, will someone please tell me what happened?"

"Your sis went crazy 'n took out everyone in the gorram store for no reason!" Jayne shouted.

"River did this?"

"She did," Zoe confirmed.

"Why?"

"Mal's got an idea…" Jayne grunted.

"I think it's got somethin' to do with a nightmare she had last night. I'm thinkin' that somethin' triggered this moment, but I ain't exactly sure as to what it was. Probably won't know 'til she's awake. Zo, call your husband 'n tell him to take off."

"Can't," Kaylee said.

"What do you mean by 'can't', little Kaylee?" Mal asked worriedly.

"It's 'Nara. She's with a client for another hour."

"Tell Wash to call her back. We don't have time for this. Is the shepherd aboard?"

"I think so, but I'll go check…" she hurried off for his room.

"Where are we goin'?" Zoe asked.

"We gotta lay low 'n sort this out. Does Inara have any friends on Greenleaf?"

"I think so. I'll have Wash check."

"If she does see if we can stay with them for a little bit. If not, have Wash call up the Nimitz's on Kerry."

Zoe nodded and left for the bridge.

"Are we gonna leave her?" Jayne asked.

"No."

"Even after what she did we're gonna keep her on this boat? What happened to protectin' your crew?"

Mal stood up and loomed over Jayne with danger in his gaze. "That's what I'm doin'."

"You're puttin' all of us in danger if you keep that crazy little-"

That was the exact moment Mal's fist struck Jayne's jaw. He ignored Simon's little noise of protest and made his way over to River. He picked her back up, again ignoring the doctor's discontent.

"Where are you taking her?" he demanded.

"Her room. When she wakes up she won't wanna be in here. It makes her bad on a good day, 'n I don't wanna see bad on a day like this…"

He gingerly set her back on her bed. He knew that he was fussing with her blanket a mite too much, but his nerves were a bit fried. His fist was still stinging from Jayne's mandible while a million different things rushed through his head. The main questions on his mind were "_Why?" _and _"Would she really of shot me?" _

The door slid open and he flinched at the sudden sound.

"Everyone is here. 'Nara said her friends on Greenleaf will take us in. Wash is takin' us outta the world now," Zoe reported.

"Good."

She nodded and cast a quick glance at River before leaving.

He carefully sat on the edge of the bed beside her, studying her breathing. Rapid. In out in out in out. He jumped when she suddenly screamed and bolted to the corner of the room shaking all over.

"River-"

"No. She's theirs again. Didn't want to be their toy. Didn't want to play. They made her and she's sorry…" she choked.

He got up and approached her slowly. "It's okay now, darlin'. We're home so just come on back 'n sit down-"

"Get away! She can't be trusted. Crazy killer girl."

"Don't listen to Jayne." He wanted to go punch him again for filling her head with those thoughts. Her eyes drifted to his red knuckles.

"Are you alright?"

He was taken aback by her sudden bout of sanity. "Yeah. Are you? I know Zo hit you pretty hard…"

"River's broken. A doll. The wooden ears can't hear and painted eyes can't see. She wants to, but she can't. She'll always be a toy unless someone uses her as firewood. Flames dancing in perfect time to the music…hot embers plié…burns for just a second and then she'll be gone…"

He had been around her babble long enough to make some sense of her words. He crossed to her regardless of her calls to him to stop.

"Don't be talkin' like that," he snapped.

"Too close, she might hurt you!"

"She won't. I trust her."

She visibly relaxed at his words and allowed him to lead her back to the bed. He sat down beside her and she quickly tucked herself against his side with tears in her eyes.

"What happened back there?" he asked hesitantly.

"Triggered by a commercial. Subliminal sent by…_them_."

"The blue gloved guys?"

She trembled at the mention of them, but nodded. He curled a comforting arm around her.

"I killed them," he said gently.

"She thought so too. Dreamed they were alive and sent the subliminal to find me and…she thinks they found her playing in the violence…"

He pulled her closer and set his chin on the top of her head and attempted to ignore the strong scent of rum that still clung to her hair. "We're runnin'. I won't let them get you again."

"Can't run forever," she whispered fearfully. He knew that she was right, but he wished that it wasn't true.


	23. Six Chapter 3

_Chapter 3-__ Greenleaf  
__Summary:__ They reach Inara's friend's estate_

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It took almost an hour for her to fall asleep. He planned on staying there until they landed, but a knock at the door got his attention. His neck snapped to the reader at his side. Luckily she slept through it.

He got up carefully and silently padded over to the door. Shepherd was waiting on the other side.

"May I have a word, Captain?"

He looked back at River. "Make it quick," he whispered as he slipped out of the room for just a moment.

"I…why do you smell like rum?"

"Long story. Speak your piece."

"I wanted to know how she was doing."

"She ain't feelin' too shiny," he spat bitterly.

"What did she say?"

"She said that they triggered her through subliminal to find her."

He considered this with a low _"Mhmmm…"_

"Shepherd?"

"They won't want a fuss. They'll come for her themselves with a small special force group. We can't avoid them forever. They'll find a way to get to her."

"I know. So when they do, we'll take care of 'em."

"They won't be easy to beat."

"I know that too, but I don't plan on lettin' them take her _again_. I already made that mistake the first time. Anything else?"

"Wash says we'll be on Greenleaf in a two hours time."

"Fetch me when we do."

He went back into the room to find River sitting up. _Gorramit._

"Sweetheart?" he asked timidly.

"She felt you leave."

"Sorry. The shepherd wanted a word."

He sat beside her. She didn't move towards him. Instead, she studied him carefully.

"Guilty."

"Weren't your fault, little one."

"No, you are. For letting her go the first time and for letting them live."

She shut her eyes and struggled with the words as if it was the hardest thing in the 'verse to talk in first person in her current mindset, "I chose to go so you'd live. They would have killed you. I don't blame you. You brought me home. They aren't like us. You couldn't have known…"

He felt all sorts of bad for feeling better when she was still a wreck. His arms reached out to her and she moved into them. "Get some rest," he whispered soothingly.

"She…_I_ will."

His heartbeat lulled her into a deep sleep and he found himself drifting off. Before he could join her in slumber, the door opened to reveal Inara.

"Mal-"

He shushed her, gesturing towards River's form which he still held oh so tenderly.

"We're here. I want you to come meet my friends."

He returned his gaze to River. He didn't know if he should leave her or not. Inara saw the struggle written on his face.

"Simon is staying. I'll go get him."

Mal inclined his head in thanks and took the opportunity to let her know that he'd be leaving. "River darlin'…I gotta go for a bit. I'll be back…" he murmured.

She stirred and mumbled something he couldn't make out. Simon walked in and took Mal's place, situating River in his arms. Mal took it as a good sign when she didn't wake up or reach for him as he left.

********

"How do you know these folks?" Wash asked while they walked towards the fancy mansion in the middle of the woods.

"Lihua and I grew up together. She intended upon becoming a Companion, but her husband, Michael, swept her off her feet. He's done very well for himself."

"I'll say," Jayne commented as he eyed the pretties all around the grounds.

"It was awful nice of 'em takin' us in! I'll bet they're jus' shiny," Kaylee forced a smile. She would much rather have stayed with Simon, but he insisted that she go.

"They have their own lake! Hey baby how about some-"

"No husband. I will _not_ go skinny-dippin' after the last time!" Zoe snapped.

"Last time?" Jayne leered.

"I can so hurt you."

Shepherd chuckled. "Don't give Jayne any more ideas."

"Hey!"

Mal smirked. He was a little distracted. Inara gave him a sympathetic pat on the arm. It hurt her to see him acting so…human. She ignored the pang of jealousy towards the younger woman, focusing on the situation at hand.

********

Simon, although usually astute, hadn't picked up on the same talent Mal developed regarding his sister. So, he didn't notice how the pattern of River's breathing gained speed. He was oblivious to the fact that she was having a nightmare.

_"We've got it," the young raven-haired Alliance officer announced proudly._

_"Where?" one of them asked._

_"Newhope. She was triggered in a general store with a Cortex screen. She reportedly took down five people, possibly six. She was carried out by a man identified as Malcolm Reynolds. She took down two others, but they fled with them. According to my sources there were only two survivors."_

_"We knew about Captain Reynolds. Pertinent information only."_

_"We have yet to locate his ship, but we believe that it has taken off and headed for a planet to lay low for awhile."_

_"Where?"_

_"We intercepted several communications between the ship and their shuttle, currently leased to Inara Serra. We also pieced together bits from one of her outgoing waves to Michael and Lihua Chi. They are going to their estate on Greenleaf."_

_"Good work, Alexander. We will be there before they are. Free up the airspace."_

_The young man beamed. "I will. Thank-"_

_The wave was cut midsentence. _

_Daniel Alexander quickly moved to the nearest station, ordering all of the ships between Greenleaf and the Fed station on Boros to clear out. After that, he collapsed in the nearest chair with a heavy sigh. For the first time in several weeks he could breathe easy. They would be at the Chi estate before Serenity could get into the Red Phoenix…_

********

Inara rang the bell and waited for the servants to get the door. A small Asian man smiled at them warmly.

"Jinlai," he motioned them inside. They all stepped in and he closed the door. "Welcome to the Chi estate! I'm Ty. Miss Serra and party I take it?"

"You would be correct. I'm Inara and this is Captain Reynolds and his crew."

"You may follow me to the sitting room for tea."

They all followed Ty down the long, sleek halls. The rooms looked small, but there were plenty of them. Mal thought that he saw a shadow running along the rice paper dividers, but he ignored it figuring that it was his mind playing tricks on him.

They reached a large room with cushions on the floor and a fountain wall on one side of the room complete with pillars and marble flooring.

"Please sit. I will go get Mr. and Mrs. Chi," Ty gave them another little smile and started shuffling quickly down a separate hall.

"This place is huge!" Wash gaped.

"Lots of fancy stuff," Jayne added. He tripped over a pair of porcelain chopsticks set neatly on the floor/table. Inara cringed.

"Jayne!" she snapped.

"Sorry…" he grumbled.

Mal got an odd feeling. Something wasn't right. He turned to Zoe. "Zoe, do you feel that?"

"What are you talkin' about, Sir?"

"I don't know. I just got this feelin' that somethin' ain't-"

The room quickly filled with fifteen or more Feds with fancy guns aimed on everyone in the middle of the room.

"Your friends wouldn't flip on ya, would they?" Jayne asked as he put his battered hands up.

"Of course not!" Inara spat.

"Hands in the air!" one of the Feds ordered. Mal rolled his eyes. _Here we go again…_

He did a double take when the two bastards in blue gloves strutted in.

"Gather the others. They'll be persecuted for harboring fugitives. Captain Reynolds stays with us," the darker haired one said calmly, verging on politely.

"Um, no. They ain't movin'," Mal said through gritted teeth.

"Where are the Tams?" the other one asked.

"We chucked them into space," he shrugged.

"Take the others into the next room. Who do you want us to kill first? Miss Serra? The shepherd? Or perhaps Corporal Alleyne?"

"It's Washburne now," Zoe commented.

"Corporal _Washburne_?" he corrected.

"Didn't I kill you two?" Mal responded evenly.

"Tried to," the darker haired one pointed to a faint round mark in the middle of his forehead with a long, slender blue-gloved finger.

"I ain't gonna _try_ nothin' this time around…" Mal gritted out. He reached for his gun.

One of the Feds noticed and shot him square in the chest. He hit the ground with a loud _thud_.

********

_"I ain't gonna try nothin' this time around…" her dashing captain said before he hit the ground._

River sat up with a gasp and a single shaky word hanging off of her tongue in a terrified whisper, "Mal."

_(Jinlai- come in)_


	24. Six Chapter 4

_Chapter 4-__ Just makin' sure  
__Summary:__ I'm just makin' sure…_

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Simon was slightly startled by River's sudden movement. He held onto her tightly. Although barely audible, he made out the word, "Mal."

"It's alright, mei mei. The captain and the others are meeting Inara's friends-"

"No. No. No. _**No**_. It is _**not**_ alright!" she struggled against his grasp.

"Sh, just calm down. He'll be back soon, I promise."

"Let her go."

"River-"

"LET HER GO!"

He let go and she ran for the door. He didn't want her leaving her room after what happened on Newhope. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her back.

"I don't want you wandering after what-"

She elbowed him in the chest, spinning around to face him. She kicked him, hard, and then punched him. He staggered back, collapsing against her nightstand. He lost consciousness before he even hit the floor and she was already half way through the cargo bay.

She hit the button to the ramp and ran up it as soon as it was at the right angle. She slid in between the open space, landing gracefully on the long green blades of grass on the other side without even slowing down. He was shot—again—and that's all that mattered. _**He**__ was all that mattered._

She made it to the door. She kicked it down with her bare foot, still running at her top speed. The hinges gave way to the dancer's foot and she peeled down the hallway, only pausing to snap "Ty's" neck. He was really a Fed in disguise and Lihua and Michael Chi's killer.

********

"Mal!" Inara cried as she dropped to his side. One of the Feds grabbed her arm and pulled her roughly to her feet.

"Take them. Two to a room. Make sure to tie them up tightly. We don't want any…interruptions…"

Zoe pulled her gun out with some difficulty. The cast on her hand was cumbersome to put it mildly. They caught onto what she was doing, restrained her, and took the gun.

Jayne would have done the same, but his wrist was broken and his other was still swollen. He tried to head butt the man coming at him. However, the stitches on the back of his head pulled and he stumbled back with a yelp.

Jayne was tossed in with Kaylee, Inara with Shepherd, and Wash with Zoe since Wash clung to her when they tried to split them up.

The two men in blue gloves towered over the firefly captain and Browncoat with identical smirks.

"Give us the room."

The rest of the Feds cleared out and they were left with Mal.

"So Captain,"

"here we are again."

"Where is River Tam?"

Mal looked up at them with a weak, but still cocky, smile.

"She's right here," River called. Mal looked up at her with wide eyes, not even bothering to hide the fear he was feeling. _Gorramit River! Get outta here!  
_She ignored Mal's mental message and focused on the monsters in blue gloves. She took a step towards them, eyes locked on their dark forms.

"She doesn't want to play for you anymore. She isn't your toy."

"She won't be for much longer."

Mal slid towards a nearby pillar, hoping to find something to use to stand. His gun was nearby anyhow, but after last time he wasn't really sure what _could_ kill them.

"She's like you. She doesn't die easily," River shot back.

The blue hands looked at each other, pulled the little stick out, and snapped it in two.

"We're playing fairly, River."

"One last playtime before she grows up," River said softly.

Mal was almost in reach of his gun. The blue hand closest to it kicked it away without even looking down.

"This is between River Tam and us, Captain Reynolds."

"We'll get to you eventually."

"Enjoy the show."

He hated how their words flowed together. It was just creepifying.

River stared them down before all three of them made an equal advancement. Then the fighting began.

A duck, a twirl, a punch, a kick, a dodge, it was all dance steps to her. She took a bad punch in the gut. Mal winced just watching her and then resumed his way towards the pillar. He didn't care what they said. He wasn't going to sit back and watch them beat on _his_ sweetheart.

She kicked the one on the right hard enough to make him fall back, freeing up her time with the other one. Unlike Mal, she knew their secret source of freakish power. She tackled the one closest to her to the fancy marble floor and ripped open his shirt. Mal looked at her like, _"What the hell?"_

She reached the bright blue armor beneath and the connectors holding it to his body. She punched him and reached for the elegant porcelain chopsticks. He writhed under her as she dug in between his flesh and the armor. One side disconnected. She was about to free the other side, the last step before prying the thing off and being able to actual _kill_ him, when the other grabbed her by the nape of her neck, effectively pulling her to her feet.

Her body twisted in away that both disgusted and amazed them all and her heel hit him in the forehead powerful enough to make a sick cracking sound. He fell back again and she returned to the one still bleeding on the floor. She pried it off, leaving the bloody, blue upper body cast abandoned on the floor.

Mal finally got onto his feet. That's all he needed before he could get back into battle mode. He staggered over to the bloody not-anymore-blue hand. He grabbed him by his tie, dragging him to his feet. A few punches later, he finally snapped his neck. Mal paused and pressed his fingers to the body's neck. Nothing. Just to be sure he picked up the nearest gun, Zoe's, and shot him five times in various places.

River was still sparring with the other. Mal shot him in the head so he'd let up and fall down. It worked and River pried the armor off. He did the same to the not-anymore-blue hand that he did to the dead guy.

She turned to Mal and her eyes instantly found the red spot on his light blue shirt, right in the center of his chest. He was pale and swaying from side to side. She grabbed his arm and forced him to sit down on a table. She ripped open his shirt and pressed her hand to the gushing bullet wound.

"You should have stayed put. Your heart is beating faster than it normally should, sending more blood through your body. You might bleed out if you don't get help soon," her voice shook more than she did, and that was saying something.

"I'll be fine. Go free the others."

He put his hand over hers for a brief moment with a little smile. She nodded, furiously wiping away a tear with her crimson hand. She rushed off. While she was gone, he got up and kicked both bodies more than once.

"Just makin' sure…" he muttered to himself.

Jayne and Kaylee were the first to appear.

"CAP'IN!" Kaylee cried.

"I'm fine. Go get the doc 'n Jayne, get some grenades."

"Grenades?" Jayne asked.

"I'm just makin' sure," he repeated.

Jayne didn't ask. Any excuse to see a _**boom**_ was okay with him.

Shepherd and Inara were next. They both fussed over him. He rolled his eyes.

"I'm fine."

"No offense Mal, but you have a large hole in your chest with an alarming amount of your blood gushing out of it and you look awful."

"I've been shot! I'm sorry if I don't look my best!"

Zoe arrived next. Mal gave her a confused look. "Where's-"

Wash followed closely behind, carrying River in his arms.

"River?" Mal asked. He knew that he shouldn't let his emotions take control, especially since a faster heart rate wasn't exactly a good idea at the moment.

"I'm alright," she said softly. She painfully wiggled her bare toes. Her feet were beat to hell. She took out seventeen guys, a door, and fought with the not-anymore-blue hands without shoes.

Zoe took over Inara's position of holding a napkin to his wound.

"Ow, not so hard!" Mal complained.

"Sorry, Sir. I'm just tryin' to _save your life_."

"Does anyone know about what happened to Lihua?" Inara asked hopefully.

"They were killed. They're in their bedroom…sleeping…" River said softly. Inara's face fell and Shepherd put a comforting arm around her.

"We're waitin' on Jayne, Kaylee, 'n the doc…" Mal informed them.

"About Simon…" River trailed off.

"Darlin'?"

Jayne, Kaylee, and a sluggish Simon darted—or in Simon's case stumbled—into the room.

"I got them grenades," Jayne announced.

"Zoe, could you set one on each of those guys' bodies?" Mal asked.

"Sir?"

"I'm just makin' sure."

Simon and Jayne helped Mal onto the stretcher and they all left for the ship. Zoe put the grenades down and quickly followed. Mal and River looked back at the pretty explosions inside the house.

"Playtime is over," River stated, feeling free for the first time in a long time.

********

"You did real good today, fly girl. Take it easy," Wash smiled as he set her at the kitchen table. Her feet were bandaged up and her right foot was fractured. Other than that she was in perfect health.

"MAL!"

"No, I'm fine."

"GET BACK HERE!"

"Nope."

Mal wobbled into the kitchen, flashing an arrogant smile at River. She wanted to help him walk, but her feet wouldn't allow it. He got to the table and sat across from her just as Simon ran in panting.

"Get back to the infirmary!"

"I'm good, doc."

"You were SHOT in the CHEST!"

"Ah that's nothin'."

"The bullet barely missed your heart and lungs! It was a ruttin' miracle!"

When the doc swore, it was serious.

"No. Let me be. I'll be back. I just wanna relax."

Simon cursed again and stalked off shouting, "If you die, it _isn't_ my fault!"

River giggled. They sat in a comfortable silence for a bit.

"How are you?" she asked.

"Good. You?"

"Good."

More silence. She looked at him briefly and then had to look away. She had almost lost him _three_ times now. If she did lose him and he never knew. No, he would know. He had to.

"Captain, I…I need to tell you something."

"Okay…"

"Things keep happening and I want you to know in case things don't work out next time…"

"Okay…" he said hesitantly.

"I………I love you."

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	25. Part Seven Chapter 1

**Part seven  
**_Summary:__ How could it be wrong when it felt so right?_

********

_Chapter 1-__ Maybe, just maybe  
__Summary:__ "Without wrong, we wouldn't be able to live out here"_

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_"I love you."_

The three words hung in the air between them like a dense fog. She knew that he heard her, but she couldn't pick up on any thoughts at all. He was in shock.

"I can't quantify the effects you have on me. Whenever I'm around you I feel safe and there's fireflies dancing around. Preacher man says some things can't be explained. And someone said I'd just know and I," she got up to start pacing, but quickly sat back down when a hot shot of pain surged through her foot.

"do know. It's confusing. Muddled. Pollution in the water. I know how the blonde feels towards his wife and Simon towards Kaylee and that's how I feel only stronger but I also know that you don't feel the same. It's just…when you were shot—both times—I just felt like…I couldn't…if you had died…"

She paused to clear her racing train of thought and collect herself. He was still in shock and completely unable to think, speak, or breathe.

"It doesn't make any sense that I feel this way when I know that you don't requite the feelings. Don't say that you do because you don't. I'm too young. Too crazy. Too broken. I always will be. I wanted you to know how I felt in case something happens."

Silence.

Simon walked back into the kitchen. River practically jumped at the opportunity.

"Simon, can you carry me to my room?"

"Sure mei mei."

Simon picked her up and then looked at Mal.

"Captain? Are you alright? You look pale…"

He opened his mouth to say something, but quickly shut it again with a small inclination of his head.

"Call me if you need anything," Simon said over his shoulder as they left. River didn't even look back.

Mal sat there for a long time, he wasn't sure for how long, replaying her words over and over and over again. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he was thinking or feeling. It was all one big blur.

"Hey Mal," Wash said cheerfully on his way to the counter to get a snack. When he didn't say anything back, he noticed how pale he looked. "What's wrong?"

Once again he opened his mouth and then snapped it shut again. Wash sat across from him with a bowl of protein.

"If you wanna talk you know…" he offered.

Mal took a deep breath, ignoring the sting that came with the movement of his chest. "What would you say if I told you that River is in love with me?"

"I'd say 'it took you long enough to figure that out'."

"What?"

"Please. It's obvious. Everyone knows that she's got a thing for you."

"Why didn't anyone say anything?"

"Wasn't our place. How'd you finally figure it out?"

"She told me."

"That explains the look on your face when I walked in here. What are you gonna do?"

"I don't know…"

"Well, how do you feel about her?"

"Don't know that either."

"Talk it out."

"I'm not one for talkin'."

"I'm not one for listening. Just talk."

"What could I say? She's eighteen and I'm thi……not. I haven't been in……a very long time."

"I knew it. I told Kaylee you wouldn't be able to get past the age difference."

"One hell of an age difference."

"Mal, Mal, Mal…out here it doesn't matter! What matters is how you feel about her."

"I don't know how I feel."

"Think on it. Something tells me that my fly girl will wait."

His eyes narrowed at "my." Wash grinned.

"You have to figure out how you feel for yourself. Do you remember when Zoe and I were first together?"

"How can I forget? I walked in on you more times than I care to recall."

"That was before I added the lock on the bridge."

"Your point?"

"You didn't want us to be together."

"No."

"But we were together anyway because it felt right. Sure we're different and sometimes I wanna kill her, but I love her and that's all that matters. Are you catching my drift, Cap'in?"

"I can't just ignore the fact that she's at least…" he stopped. He didn't want to know how many years it was exactly.

"So what? If you love her back-"

"I don't know."

"Think on it."

"It's not just the age thing. There's Simon and the shipboard romance rule and Inara…"

"Kaylee will make Simon accept it, that rule is shot to hell, and if you wanted to be with Inara you would have made some move by now. You're running out of excuses. Can't you just accept that maybe, just _maybe,_ you feel the same?"

"I can't! It ain't right! It's wrong. Very very very wrong."

"Wrong?" Wash snorted. "Wrong is just an opinion. Some say it's wrong to steal. Some say it's wrong to smuggle or to kill or to harbor fugitives-"

"I get the gorram point!"

"We're criminals, Mal. Without wrong we wouldn't be able to live out here."

He stopped to let his words sink in.

"Besides, when is the last time you've slept alone?"

He couldn't remember.

"Mull it over," Wash added on his way towards the bridge. He stopped and turned back. "If you do decide to go for it and you hurt her, Simon won't be the only one kicking your pigu."

********

River sat on her bed clinging to the drawing she still kept hidden in her pillow. Usually she didn't have to look at it because Mal was right there, but she was afraid that he'd never be around her ever again. She scared him away. She just knew it.

She sat there looking at it for a long time hoping that she didn't ruin the single best thing since the Academy.

Oh Simon was great too, but he'd always be there. He was her brother and took care of her always. And he always would, even if he didn't want to. They were tied together by the blood running through their veins and that's why he'd stay.

Mal would stay anyway. By choice. He fought for her more than once. By choice. Protected her. By choice. And now he would most likely leave. By choice.

She didn't have a choice. She fell in love with him by accident. It wasn't her fault that out of everyone her heart chose him. She wished she hadn't fallen so hard, but at the same time it was worth the pain. He'd always be worth the pain.

The door slid open and she swiftly tucked the picture away just as Zoe stepped in.

"Mind if I sit?"

"No."

She shut the door and cautiously sat on the edge of the bed. "How are you feelin'?"

"I'm alright. How's your hand?"

"It's okay."

"Sorry."

"Sorry 'bout the rum."

River managed a weak laugh. "That's okay. It finally washed out, but I ran out of shampoo."

"I heard from my husband that you've got a bit of a situation."

She heard it in Zoe's mind. _"You're in love with Mal."_

"I do," River said softly with a blush covering her cheeks.

"I heard you're in love with the captain."

She nodded stiffly.

"You sure?" Zoe asked.

"Yes. I don't mean to, but I feel things…like what you feel for the blonde…" Zoe chuckled and she continued, "…and it's like that, but not."

"What is it like?"

"Home. Safety. Like when I saw he was shot I thought that if he died…I'd die too."

Zoe smiled, really smiled, and listened to River prattle about how he made her feel.

"It's confusing and irrational and real," she finally finished.

"That's love."

"It is?"

"He takes awhile to process things since the war. He left some of him back in that valley, but seems to me like you bring it back to him. I ain't ever seen him like he is with you. Not since before Serenity Valley. He'll come around. Give it time and patience."

"You think that he feels the same?"

"Yes, but you didn't hear it from me."

River grinned. "Thank you."

"No problem," she got up and turned back towards her. "But if you hurt him-"

"I know. You'll kick my pigu."

She nodded and left River to her thoughts.

Zoe knew him better than everyone else. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that he felt the same…

_(Pigu- butt)_


	26. Seven Chapter 2

_Chapter 2-__ No more excuses  
__Summary:_ _Won't not can't_

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Mal shifted uncomfortably on the infirmary bed. Simon dragged him back there and demanded that he get some sleep. However, the smart doc missed the fact that he had pinched the IV shut when he administered the concoction to knock him out and then ripped the needle out of the back of his hand after he left. The last thing he needed was sleep. There was too much happening.

He hated being so twitchy. It was like his war days in the trenches. Not knowing if they were coming or going or fighting or sleeping or living or dying or in this case, loving or not. Hell, he wasn't even sure if he liked her like that. He knew he cared, probably more than he should.

At first he had been happy about the night away from the little reader. Time alone to sort the situation out. Yet every time he tried to figure it out he found himself missing her. Not that that had anything to do with anything. He couldn't be in love with an eighteen year old. He couldn't be. But she wasn't just an eighteen year old. She was _River_. That complicated things. He'd think that he didn't, couldn't, feel that way and then he'd remember the way she felt in his arms…and he'd be confused and lonely all over again.

********

River knew that he wouldn't be there that night. He had been shot and he needed time. Honestly she didn't think that she would have been able to fall asleep since she was so used to his presence, but Simon gave her something and it knocked her right out.

_"I ain't gonna try nothin' this time around…" he said, reaching for his gun. _

_-Bang-_

_He hit the floor with a thud. Inara cried out his name and then they were hauled off. _

_She saw it in her mind as she ran. She went as fast as her legs would go. Her captain, her love, her everything was bleeding on the ground because of her. _

_Finally she reached his side. The monsters in blue gloves loomed silently in the shadows, watching the scene unfold while sharing a bag of popcorn. _

_She sunk to her knees, trembling allover, shaky hands reaching out to his scarlet chest, tears falling from her eyes. _

_She pressed a fraught palm to the hole in his flesh hoping to stop the waterfall of blood pouring out of him. The life drained with each drop. _

_His gorgeous blue irises vanished behind the veils of his eyelids. The shadows of death crept across his handsome face and he was gone forever._

She sat up with a scream. The image of Mal's lifeless body was frozen in her mind.

********

Mal had gone back and forth, having an inner argument with himself.

_She's too young. __**She's been through as much as I have, if not more.**__ That don't make her an adult. __**That don't make her a child neither.**__ You can't love her. __**Can't. Not don't.**__ You don't. __**Maybe I don't, maybe I do.**__ This is gettin' us no place fast…_

He heard River scream and he was up and scrambling to her room in seconds. Shepherd heard it too and was on his way, but he saw the captain dart inside.

"River?"

She opened her eyes and he was there.

"What's wrong? I heard you scream."

He sat beside her with a worried expression.

"Darlin'?"

"Nightmare."

Despite everything, he reached out to her and gingerly pulled her towards him. She shut her eyes, savoring the moment. _He stayed. _

She knew that he was still confused. _Give it time_, Zoe said. She would give him as much time as he needed.

He shut his eyes too, setting his cheek on the top of her head. It never failed to amaze him how much the girl's presence felt like home. How could it be wrong when it felt so right?

********

Three weeks went by. She didn't push it. He kept going back and forth between accepting it and denying it.

It always seemed like the one time he was honest with himself was when he watched her sleep. For one thing, he was sure that he couldn't overhear his inner monologues. Another, they were alone. Whenever they were, nothing else mattered.

Her nightmares were practically gone, but he stayed anyway. Sometimes he wondered if he chased them away like she chased his away. In all of the time since he had been watching over her, he hadn't had a single nightmare about the war or anything else.

He was crouching beside the tiny bed, arms folded on the edge, with his chin set on his forearm. The bed was too small for them both unless they were intertwined and lately that was becoming a little too much for him to handle, so he'd wait until she fell asleep to sit beside the bed.

Her breathing was smooth and deep, but silent. She was graceful even when she wasn't awake. Could someone be graceful when they slept? He shrugged it off. River Tam could do anything.

Carefully, he reached out and swept the hair out of her face. He let his hand linger on her face longer than it needed to.

In that moment, he knew without a doubt that he felt it too. He loved her. He loved how crazy she was and wouldn't change it for anything. He wouldn't change _her_ for anything.

Come morning he'd be back to how wrong it was, but right then he didn't care.

Her eyes opened and she smiled. "Hello Captain."

His breath got caught like it usually did when she looked at him with those eyes. "Hey there sweetheart."

He didn't realize that he was thinking as loudly as he was. She heard it all and her smile widened.

She reached out to him to join her and he did. She ran her feathery fingertips down his face. He didn't pull away, so she leaned in and kissed him. He kissed back. She was surprised by it, but happily pulled him closer.

It clicked that he was kissing her and he leapt back suddenly, accidentally rolling off the bed and onto the floor. He stood up and ran his hand nervously through his hair.

"This is wrong. This is wrong. I can't. We can't."

She had had it. "This is _not_ wrong."

"You're eighteen. I haven't been in a longggg time."

"Do you love me?"

He swallowed the lump in the back of his throat. "Do you love me?"

"I love you. We've been over this, Captain."

"It's just that I wouldn't feel right."

"You think this feels right," she snapped as she got out of bed. Why did she always have to wear those little nightgowns? Why?

She walked right over to him, toe to toe.

"Answer my question. Do you love me?"

He took a step back and she matched it. She was too close for comfort.

"River, I'm a mean old-"

"Answer the question!"

"But-"

"_Answer the gorram question_!"

"Yes! But that don't mean that we can or will be together!"

She took a step back with sadness in those beautiful eyes. "I'm too broken."

"That ain't it at all. You aren't broken. You're just healin' like me. You had your own Serenity Valley that you gotta deal with. That don't make you broken or bad or crazy. Don't let anyone tell you different. You're younger and…" he trailed off.

"And you're afraid that it won't work out. You think I'll run off like Inara. You think that you'll get too old for me."

He gaped for a moment and then collected himself. "Well yeah."

"Stop being so afraid! I love you, I want you, I _need _you and nothing will change that! The only thing keeping us apart is _you_!"

"It's not that I don't want to be with you. It's that I can't!"

"_Won't_. You _won't_. Not can't. Because-"

"You're right! I'm afraid. Okay?" he practically shouted.

She became quiet and waited for his little speech.

"What if we don't work out? There's consequences for that. This boat is only so big. If we end up hurtin' each other…I just don't think I could take that. I don't wanna hurt you and I don't wanna be hurt. If somethin' were to happen and you were gone…" he sucked in a shaky breath. "It ain't that I don't want to. And it ain't that I don't love you. I do. It's just-"

She silenced him with another kiss. She pulled away and stubbornly stared him in the eye. "I was told that with love you have to put yourself out there and let the other person in. _Let me in_. I'm yours, Captain, and I'm not going anywhere unless I'm decomposing in a casket."

Only she could be creepifying and romantic at the same time.

He put his hand on her face. "I don't deserve you."

"I don't deserve you either. Let's not deserve each other _together_."

He chuckled and she put her arms around his neck. "You said once that you trusted me."

"I do."

"Then trust this. Trust me enough to believe that we can make it work."

"I don't trust myself, sweetheart."

"But I trust you. No more excuses."

He needed her. He _wanted_ her. But most of all, he loved her. He took a deep breath, lowering his defenses for the first time in a long time, and put all of his faith and trust into her and into them. "No more excuses," he echoed softly.

She beamed, threading her arms around his waist and setting her cheek against his chest. He kissed the top of her head. She smiled. They were together. _Finally_.


	27. Seven Chapter 3

_Chapter 3-__ Together  
__Summary:__ Their relationship is publicized_

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Mal was dreading it. He didn't want to make the announcement. The punch Simon would surely throw was one that he didn't want to receive.

"He won't punch you. Kaylee won't let him," River giggled while she brushed her hair.

It had been a few weeks since they admitted how they felt. They decided to take their relationship slowly. He still slept beside her, but that's all they did.

"I'm gonna go get cleaned up. See you at breakfast, sweetheart."

He leaned in and gave her a quick kiss before departing.

She smiled, but it quickly turned into a pensive frown. Hopefully Simon wouldn't punch him…you never knew with him…

********

Mal walked into the kitchen at almost the exact same time that River did. He figured that she probably made it that way on purpose.

Everyone else was already seated and eating. He looked over at her and she gave a little nod that it was best to just get it out in the open.

They did a fairly good job of keeping it quiet. Shepherd saw him going in and out of her room, but didn't put it together. She didn't even tell Wash. She couldn't help but smile at that thought. He'd be so mad at her for keeping it from him.

"Everyone," Mal called. They all stopped and looked up at him. He was standing behind his usual chair.

"I got an announcement to make."

River took that as her cue and gracefully floated to his side. Kaylee let out a little squeal.

"We're…" he started awkwardly.

"Together," River finished for him. He smiled at her in thanks and she threaded her fingers through his.

Kaylee ran over to them both and hugged them at the same time going on and on about…they weren't really sure. She was talking to fast. The only word they could understand consistently was, "Shiny."

Jayne looked at Mal and then at River. "You and…moonbrain? Ain't you old enough to be her-"

"Jayne!" Zoe snapped. He got up and walked out. She smiled at Mal. "Congrats, Sir."

"Yeah. This is great! I don't mean to be that guy that always says 'I told you so' but…I told you so…" Wash shrugged with his silly grin.

Simon was unusually quiet. Mal kept shooting looks in his direction waiting for the blow up.

"I can't believe that you would…" he began angrily. Kaylee ran over to him and took his arm, pulling him towards the engine room. He reluctantly followed and their whispers echoed back as they vanished down the corridor.

"I'm happy for you both," Inara said softly. "Excuse me. I have to screen some clients."

She got up and glided out of the room. River squeezed Mal's hand motioning towards her. "Go," she whispered. He nodded and followed her.

"How long has it been official?" Wash asked.

"A few weeks."

"And you didn't tell me? I thought that we were friends!"

She laughed. "Sorry. We wanted to keep it quiet."

"Well I'm happy for you."

A proximity alert went off.

"A pilot's job is never done," he sighed. He gave River a hug and then walked towards the bridge.

"I'm happy for you too. From looks of it, he's pretty gorram happy too…" Zoe said while she lapsed into a rare moment of affection and gave River a hug. River smiled, knowing that she wasn't talking about Wash.

River was left with Shepherd. She turned to him with an enduring smile. "Speak your piece, preacher man."

He chuckled. "You're already starting to sound like him. Don't become too much like the captain. I can't only tolerate one."

She smirked and sat across from him.

"Despite what you may think, I am not here to judge. No lectures about fire and brimstone today."

"But you do have a few things to say."

"I think that it's good that you finally found each other. I realize that there is a significant age difference, but somehow you two work together…" he noted her raised eyebrows, but continued, "I've seen the way he is with you and the way you are with him. It's almost…I can't explain it."

"Neither can I."

"I just know that the two of you are the most troubled of my flock and perhaps together you can be a little less troubled. Let me know when I should start rehearsing the marital ceremony."

He patted River on the shoulder and walked out.

********

Mal hesitated at the door of Inara's shuttle. He decided to knock…for the first time. He heard her call to him to enter, so he did.

"Mal? I was expecting…someone else. You never knock."

"Well…" he shrugged uncomfortably.

"I meant what I said. I'm happy for you. Both of you. She's a remarkable person."

"Yeah, she is."

"She has something I don't, but I don't know what it is. She got to you when I couldn't. I didn't." She looked at him sadly, but reservedly.

"I knew that as long as I was a Companion we couldn't be together, but that's what I am. I just…I don't understand what it is about her that reached you. I would like to know for my own peace of mind."

He shifted uneasily, but he knew that she needed to know. "She's like me. She knows what it's like to lose everything and to be tryin' to get it back."

"That's why you're with her? Because she's like you?"

"Are you kiddin'? No one should be like me."

"Then why?"

He let out a long and slow breath, trying to figure out how to put it into words. "Home."

"Pardon?"

"When I'm with her it feels like home. I don't rightly know what it is about her that makes me feel that way, but she makes me feel whole again like before the war. I'm sorry that I don't have a flat out answer for you, but that's just the way it is. I wish I knew myself why and how I fell in love with her. I just did."

"You love her?"

"Yeah I do."

"She's one lucky woman."

He laughed mirthlessly. "I'm the lucky one."

Inara fidgeted with one of the fancy red and gold fringe pillows on her bed. He knew that this was killing her inside, but she wouldn't show it.

"I'm thinking about returning home. I've heard rumors about a position teaching at the Training House."

"I don't want you to go. You bring respectability to my very unrespectable boat. Besides, Kaylee would never comb her hair if you weren't here to do it for her."

She managed a weak smile. He saw the pain flash across her almond eyes. He hated that he hurt her, but they both knew long ago it was over. She knew it when she heard the tenderness in his voice the first time he told River it was okay. Never had she heard him use that tone of voice and never again did she hear it unless he was speaking to the young reader. That voice was hers and apparently so was he.

"I'm serious. I don't want you to go. Not 'cause of me," he repeated after a long pause.

"I stayed because of you."

A jab to the heart. He nodded. "Let me know if you want to go. I'll take you home, but this ship won't be the same. You're on my crew and always will be."

"That's a kindness."

"I mean it."

"I don't doubt that you do. It's just…_she's_ your crew. I don't think that I could…"

"Just think on it. You never know. Maybehaps this rickety ship is home and not…"

"You."

"Yeah…"

"I'll think about it."

"Make sure you do."

She nodded and he nodded back before leaving. He shut the door with a heavy sigh. He didn't love Inara, but at one time he thought he did. He still cared about her, and it pained him to know that he was hurting her like he was.

********

"Is this seat taken?"

River peeked over the edge of her book about flying to see Mal grinning at her. She set it down and flew into his arms. He laughed.

"Easy there darlin'."

"How'd it go with Inara?"

"She might leave."

"I don't want her to."

"Me either."

She hugged him tightly. "I know it's hard for you."

He nodded against her neck. "What did I miss after I left?"

"Zoe hugged me."

"Zoe as in my first mate Zoe?"

"Yes."

He let out a low whistle. "That's a first. She don't even hug me!"

She giggled. "I also had a talk with the preacher man."

"What hell are we goin' to?"

"None," she stopped and thought about it. "For this relationship at least."

He smirked. "What did he have to say?"

"We're the two most troubled of his flock, but together we might be a little less troubled."

"He's got somethin' there."

He ran his hand down her face and bent down to kiss her when Simon's voice stopped him.

"Don't ever touch her ever again!"

"SIMON!" Kaylee cried.

Mal rolled his eyes. "Here we go…" he muttered.


	28. Seven Chapter 4

_Chapter 4-__ Everyone has someone  
__Summary:__ She has him, he has her  
__**Warning! This chapter is rated T—M **_

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Simon ran down the steps with a frantic Kaylee following closely behind. Mal turned around with a bored expression on his face. He stepped in front of River protectively although he knew that she wasn't in danger.

"Calm down doc," he sighed.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN? YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN?" Simon scoffed.

"Say it one more time. I don't think you captured how you _really_ feel 'bout it," Mal replied sarcastically.

"She's a girl! A mentally traumatized teenage girl!"

"Yeah. I know."

Simon swung at him, but he was anticipating it and easily dodged the blow.

"SIMON!" River and Kaylee shouted in unison.

"You are not to touch or even look at my sister again!"

Mal folded his arms. "I'm not gonna stop bein' with her. Not for you or anyone."

"Honey, try to-" Kaylee attempted.

"You are the worst possible man for my sister!"

"What about Jayne?" River asked.

"Second worst possible man!" Simon corrected.

"I know I'm not some young smart rich fella that you would of picked for her, but I love her and I'm gonna do right by her."

Kaylee squealed in delight. "You love her, Cap'in?"

"Yes. I love her."

"I love him too," River added.

Simon sputtered for a moment. "Love? You're in love with each other?"

They nodded.

"When? How?" he asked.

"Sweetie, you're blind. They've been. They are. It don't matter how, although I'm hopin' to find out…" Kaylee winked at River.

"I'm not askin' you to like this, but I'm askin' you to accept it," Mal said plainly.

"If you don't, I will beat you up again and then he'll chuck you out of the airlock. It is _his_ boat," River added with emphasis.

Kaylee took that as her cue to lead Simon away again and attempt to calm him down.

"That went well," Mal said happily.

"Well? He tried to punch you!"

"_Tried_. That's why it went well! My pretty face is still intact."

She rolled her eyes, but didn't disagree. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

"Good luck on the job. Make sure to avoid getting hurt."

"I love how worried you get 'bout me," he grinned.

"That's part of it. The other part is that I don't believe that Simon will help you if you're injured. I'll see you later."

He frowned. He hadn't thought of that.

********

The job went smoothly. The hardest part of the day was dinner. Between Jayne's awkward comments, Simon's glaring, Wash's teasing, and Inara's reserved brokenhearted manner, it was the most uncomfortable thing they had ever endured and that was saying something.

"I hope dinner isn't like that every night," River groaned once they reached her room.

"If it is, I say we start eatin' alone."

She laughed. "I think that they'll get used to the idea of us. You did."

He smirked at her while taking his boots off.

"Jayne thinks you've gone crazy."

"Maybehaps I have, but this boat needs some more crazy."

"I think not. I'm enough."

"Aw come on! Bein' crazy is better in pairs. Besides, you're gettin' better. Someone has to fill in. I don't think I could take a normal ship."

"Fine. But when there's a mutiny…"

"Some faith in me you have."

She kissed him on the cheek and started to change into her nightgown. He shut his eyes quickly and turned towards the opposite wall. She giggled.

"You don't have to do that," she said as her fingers trailed across his shoulders. "You can look now," she added in a whisper.

They climbed into bed. She tucked herself in between his arm and side. He gave her a quick kiss and muttered "G'night."

He fell asleep almost instantly. She couldn't help the smile that crept onto her face. Some nights when she'd wake up alone long ago, he'd always be awake in his bunk unable to even relax. He'd have nightmares too. Sometimes she'd overhear them. The explosions. The gunfire. The screams. They were gone now and all she could hear was his deep breathing. She was glad that she could bring him the same comfort he brought her.

She lightly ran her hand down the side of his face and down to his chin. She paused for a moment to run her thumb across the dimple there and then she continued around the other side. He stirred a bit in his sleep. She traced his features with light fingertips finally trailing her thumb across his lips. He grunted like he usually did if she woke him. She grinned and kissed him gently.

"Best way I've ever been woken up," he grumbled sleepily.

She kissed him again, only this time harder. Her lips strayed from his, wandering across his jaw and chin. They moved down his throat and across his neck, sending pleasant chills down his spine. She kissed the top of his chest after she undid one button. Then he stopped her.

"Whoa there darlin'. What happened to takin' it nice 'n slow-like?" he asked while carefully prying her soft little hands off of his shirt.

"It's been slow enough."

"No it hasn't."

She gave him her best _"I'm finding you comically idiotic right now" _look.

"I don't wanna go too fast is all. You know that I love you and you know that I'm yours, but I'd feel like I was takin' advantage if we were to…you know…this soon in our relationship."

"Don't worry, Captain. If anyone is going to take advantage it's going to be me."

"Really?" he smirked.

She grinned wickedly with a smoldering look in her eyes. "Would you like to find out?"

"You know I do but-"

The rest of his sentence was swallowed by her mouth and then stifled by her quick tongue. He kissed back, already forgetting what he was going to say. He figured that he was going to hell anyway, might as well enjoy sinning while he was still alive.

She pulled away to resume unbuttoning his shirt. She worked her way down the row, leaving a lingering kiss on the skin she had just uncovered.

She finally got the last one undone and swiftly returned her mouth to his, slipping the shirt off of his shoulders and tossing it to the floor. He wrapped his arms around her, effectively pulling her closer. Somehow he managed to pull the nightgown over her head even though her lips and arms never left his flesh for even a second.

He let his hands roam her bare back while he left a trail of kisses across her collarbone up to her jaw. Her hair fell down his shoulders as he flicked his tongue across the nape of her neck.

They shed the rest of their clothes, adding them to the growing pile on the floor beside his boots.

He gingerly picked her up at the waist and flipped them over. She shuddered at his delicate touch. His rough hand slid up her cafe at a snail's pace while the other rested on her hip. She pulled him down to her mouth once more. He broke the kiss to lick and kiss his way down her throat all of the way down to her navel and back up again. She tugged on his hair, biting her lip to stifle a moan when he found a particularly sensitive spot on her abdomen with his tongue. He returned his lips to hers.

She groaned into his mouth, matching his rhythm, and holding onto his sweat covered body. She balled her fists and buried her face into his shoulder so she wouldn't dig her fingernails into his flesh and so her cry wouldn't be heard. Her back arched as she went over the edge. He followed shortly thereafter and nuzzled his face into her neck, attempting to catch his breath.

He wrapped his arms around her once again picking her up and flipping them over so she could rest on his chest. She curled up across him with her head lying on his shoulder. He kissed her forehead and brushed her hair neatly back behind her ear.

"I'm so in love with you," he grinned.

"Not as much as I am with you," she slyly smiled.

Her hand mindlessly stroked his bare chest. She liked cuddling better without the shirt. She could feel his heartbeat easier that way.

Everyone has someone. Kaylee and Simon. The blonde and his wife. Jayne and his guns. Shepherd and his God. Inara and her clients. And now, she had Mal. And he had her. There was no doubt about it.

"G'night River," he whispered, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek.

"Goodnight…Mal."

He beamed. "It was about gorram time you called me by name!"

"I said _goodnight Mal,_" she teased.

He laughed. "G'night sweetheart."

**XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX**

**The end**

_I'd like to say thank you to all of you who reviewed, faved, and subscribed to the story alerts for this story. It means a lot to me so thank you! Sorry to leave a cliff hanger like that and take this long to update (I had to meet my boyfriend's extended family) but I hope it was worth the wait._

_Should there be a sequel? If so should Inara stay or go? Please let me know! I love you all thank you so much for sticking with it until the end! _


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